My daughter. I love that kid.

I wrote the most hateful post about Tim Tebow earlier tonight. She said I should delete it. So I did.

You should have read what I wrote. Woo! I would have gone straight to hell for that. It was R-rated and very hateful. But pretty damn funny, I must say.

Dinner in Atlanta.

Damn, that War Eagle appetizer was mighty tasty. I ordered it flash-fried, but the slow-roasted bird was surprisingly satisfying. I loved the way Chef Greg and the kitchen staff finished it off.

Now I'm ready for the main course. So many good choices in the ATL. I recommend La Maison de Deion.

Healthy appetite? Try the Swamp & Stomp (that's fried gator tail with a squashed T-Bone). That's what Terrence ordered, the Swamp & Stomp for Two. 

Wine? I'll be having the 1992 Frere Oliver (a truly memorable red). If you are a Gator fan, try a bottle or three of Rip Van Dunlap, then drive back to Gainesville. Right after I call the Georgia Highway Patrol. 

Those French chefs,  you've got to watch 'em. Deion is always trying to slip some snails, stomach, pancreas or something onto your plate. Just be careful. If you are partial to escargot, tripe and sweetbreads and willing to take a chance, you might like the Globes Oculaires de Bouledogue (bulldog eyeballs). Deion put those on the menu for the Florida fans hitting town this weekend.  They are fresh-gouged.

If you want to eat cheap, Florida's QB will be serving fishes and loaves at the Georgia Dome. And here's a great tip... if you want to catch a buzz during the game. Just buy a couple of bottled waters. Superman will turn those into wine for you, no charge. 

If you clean your plate, you get to have some of this for dessert:

A good read follows. Hit the link below:

Here's a great analysis by Ivan Maisel of ESPN.com

I thought the picture below was funny. My buddy T-Bone (no relation to the Chosen One) said it might make him root for the Gators. Almost, but not really.

THE END^^

Excuse me, I'm the one with the bragging rights here.

Aubs Bring the Dink JV Shit, Still Fall Short

Ah, enough about the moral victory already. I am just glad I didn't have to go over to the Potemkin Village on the Plains to see them foaming at the mouth after the onside kick. It's terrible to get a narrow win over an outclassed opponent. I feel like a Philistine who has been smote with the jawbone of an ass, but now I get to give Auburn fans the business for another whole year.

I only have one question... were we this pitiful as fans during the Shula years? I fear we were. Let us never, ever, go back there. And if we should, let us never, ever claim a moral victory.

Bring on the Gators.

So you're going to the Auburn game?

Survival Guide for ‘Bama Fans in Auburn

George Bernard Shaw, the great Irish dramatist and purported socialist, once said “England and America are two countries separated by a common language.” I always liked the quote, as much for its economy of words as its message. Being a fraction Irish myself, and 100% Southern, I fully understand being misunderstood and often ponder why people sharing the same language and lineage, who reside within common borders and even in the same neighborhoods, choose to turn against one another for no apparent reason.

Take Auburn University and its followers, the Aubs, for example. Yes, we share a form of the same language. We grudgingly share a state with them. We went to high school with them, share zip codes, go to church together and sometimes, out of some sense of noblesse oblige, even let our children play with theirs. Outside.

But tomorrow we will be strangers in a strange land – their land, not ours -- outnumbered and outgunned, hoping to leave Friday evening victorious and elated, but injury-free and with fully-inflated tires on our cars. We have to ask ourselves the question, like noted American social icon Rodney King did, “Can we all get along?” And since I’m quoting social icons and purported socialists today, the answer is a resounding “Yes, we can!”

Here are some BamaBing! tips that will enhance your gameday experience and increase your chances of survival:

1. Avoid the term “Cow College.” They are sensitive about their agricultural heritage, for some reason. I never figured this one out, since every time you eat a truly great steak it’s probably the result of some Aubs doing freaky cross-breeding experiments in animal husbandry class. And they gave us the McLean Deluxe. Don’t forget that.

2. Be careful who you hang with. If this guy (left) is at your tailgate, nothing good can happen. You wouldn’t spearfish in shark-infested waters with a bloody red snapper clipped to your belt, would you? So don’t strike up a postgame conversation with a piss-drunk Bama sidewalk alum who wants to roll Toomer’s Corner. At best, you will get your ass beat. At worst, they will rip you apart and sling your entrails into the trees.

3. Don’t ask about the basketball arena. Yes, they are spending $100 million on a basketball gym with fewer seats than their old one (which was already one of the smallest in the SEC). This is so they won’t have to hang a curtain across half the place to hide the empty seats. Just let them keep building shit they can't afford, trying to catch up with us. This is how Ronald Reagan crushed the Soviet Union.

4. Don’t ask why there are so many Alabama fans at the game. Sensing another steady dose of The Process, Aubs are in all-out sell mode and finding limited domestic demand for their tickets. This has sent them en masse into the open market, where the buyers are largely of the Crimson variety. Aubs rationalize the economic situation thusly, “I can pay for my whole season ticket package by selling my tickets to Bammers.” The irony of this escapes them.

5. If you must engage… ask if Eltoro Freeman is named for a lawn mower.

6. Don’t count your championships. They really hate it when we do this.

7. Don’t ask why their season ticket hotline number is 1-800-AUB-1957. Just don’t.

8. Bad topics of conversation: Colonial Bank, Mr. Lowder, sociology, the world famous Kenny Irons interview, the Martyrdom of John "Stump" Thrower, Iowa State’s bowl eligibility, mobile homes as student housing, SACS accreditation, lingering ex-coach hush money payments, Rev. Chette’s tax status.

In summary, give the Aubs praise where it’s due. Comment on the pristine nature of their field – they are very proud of it. If you wish, feel free to read them this little poem I wrote in praise of Aubs:

I’m raising my glass

To the Auburn vet

Who stuck his finger

In my Labrador’s ass

And the Auburn grad

Who cuts my grass

And his lovely wife

Paroled at last.

I’m drinking a toast

To the Auburn farmer

Who grows the collards

I like the most

And strings barbed wire

From post to post

And his cousin Donnie

Who tends the goats.

I’m buying a round

For the Auburn men

Who raise the cattle

And plow the ground

And build the bridges

And cruise around

On John Deere tractors

And roll their own town.

War Damn Eagle

I can't help it. I think this is funny as hell.

Took this in June 2006 while passing through Eclectic, AL on Highway 63. 

Bama 31 - MSU 3. Well, so much for the big "trap game"

Do you know why nobody ever really tries to stop those Mississippi State people from bringing their cowbells to the games? I think it's because nobody really cares.

Indisputable photo evidence CLEARLY shows LSU wuz robbed!

... of their MANHOOD.

I am tired of this Brady Bunch shit from LSU fans.

I've seen the high-def video over and over. I really think it was an interception, but I don't think the replay official could see indisputable evidence sufficient to overturn the call made on the field. I also don't think it would have made a difference. LSU was tired, hurt and whipped by then, but hey, they could have come back and won the game. We'll never know.

I do know this much though: if the idiot Les Miles hadn't gone for two when he did, the score would have been 23-16 when LSU did get the ball back.  Then the Bengal Tigers would have had plenty of time to win or send it into overtime. And if LSU was half as well-coached as your average high school JV squad, then maybe they wouldn't have pissed away all three of their time-outs like they did. So that left LSU with a short clock and no time-outs, but still a chance to score and get an onside kick. Hell, it worked for Tennessee. But the LSU offense gave up two sacks and an interception in a two-minute drill that looked about as crisp as underdone boudin balls, or whatever those people eat that's not very crisp. 

Why did LSU lose this game? Was it their tired, whipped football team that got physically dominated in the 4th quarter? Was it their cornerback with leg cramps? Was it their stream-of-consciousness head coach whose lucky horseshoe finally fell out of his ass? Was it their backup QB who throws like he's handcuffed? No, none of these items cost LSU the game -- it was the SEC ref conspiracy! And boy, do the Tigah fans have the pictures to prove it. 

Over the last three days I have seen a hundred still photographs showing indisputable evidence that BAMA CHEATED and that the SEC OFFICIALS WERE IN ON IT.

For example, the photo below was sent to me this morning by an LSU fan claiming it CLEARLY shows a facemask penalty. I agree, if it was a live play. Was this the play blown dead before the snap when the LSU right tackle jumped? If not, which one should've been flagged for the facemask penalty? Can you tell from a photo? I guess you can, so I'll play along.

The picture below CLEARLY shows #24 invoking the little-known "Dirt Clod Rule."

"If the turf got a hole, the game must be stole."

The photo below CLEARLY shows Jerrell Harris hugging it out (awww) with his Bengal Tiger BFF:

The photo below CLEARLY shows Jordan Jefferson sitting on his ass, thinking "Screw this." 

"Pffft."

This photo CLEARLY shows the enthusiastic and courageous team leader Jefferson, although injured and on the sideline with a terrible boo-boo on his ankle, using his infectious leadership skills to rally the Bengal Tigers to a victory:

"Please, God, don't put me back in there."

This is CLEARLY the newest Daniel Moore painting, entitled Make His Ass Quit. Regarding the photo version of this, one LSU friend of mine whined, "Our guys must have been blocked in the back." To which I replied, "Whatever."

There are a number of things going on in the photo below. First, this is what we commonly call an arm tackle, which can usually slow #22 down as much as a bug slows down a Mack truck's windshield. But notice that the LSU defender is CLEARLY LOWERING HIS HEAD, which is SPEARING and could have MAIMED our guy, so I guess the CHEATING ASS SEC REFS MISSED THIS ONE TOO.

This is CLEARLY a photo of Bama's Lorenzo Washington lowering his head to deliver a potentially life-threatening hit on the unsuspecting Jefferson:

No wait, wrong game. 
And that's one of LSU's altar boys on the stop.

This is CLEARLY an elephant.

This is indisputable photo evidence of a woman on the back of a motorcycle with flames CLEARLY coming out of her butt.

Below is indisputable photo evidence of my friend Thomas CLEARLY about to land a Great White Shark with a Zebco 33 on 8-pound test using a Mepp's #2 spinner. Notice he is about to use the net. What a pussy.

Lastly, here is indisputable photo evidence of Bruce Springsteen CLEARLY belting out the chorus of Hey Tigahs! We Just Beat the Hell Out Of You as the rest of the E Street Band band jams:

Oh, I almost forgot about the Brady Bunch reference. I remembered the episode (#60; I googled it) when Greg wanted to play football so he could get the girl, but Carol was afraid he'd get hurt, then Mike said let's let him play, then Greg wins a starting job and gets the girl (a real groovy girl). Then wouldn't you know it, Greg gets hurt in practice, not a bad injury, like an ACL or a sports hernia, but bad enough that Carol won't let him play in the big game. So the coach asks Greg to be the "official team photographer," but Greg is afraid the groovy chick won't go for some uncool photographer. But he winds up taking a picture of the other team's winning touchdown play and when he enlarges the photo we find out that the other team's receiver was CLEARLY out of bounds. Greg is the hero because the coach is going to "appeal" the touchdown call based on indisputable photo evidence. Greg winds up the hero, gets the groovy girl and learns the valuable lesson that you don't have to be a star ballplayer to score chicks and help the team win. So anyway, it's 1971 and I'm watching this piece of crap show with my two brothers and we call HORSE SHIT ON THAT because even as little snot-nosed kids we knew you can't reverse the outcome of a football game based on some fucking picture.

Helping people - an idea that might merit further study.

For the past couple of months I've been helping a college kid learn a fairly difficult subject. I was half-drunk when I agreed to help, but lately I've been drinking a lot less and helping this kid more. The commitment of time necessary to re-learn the subject matter from almost 30 years ago has cut into a few cocktail hours, but it's amazing how quickly it comes back. The subject? Economics. The kid? Looking at an "F" when we started together, now solidly in the "B" range, and with a month to go in the semester the "A" is a longshot, but probably attainable. Now I do my reading and work through the problems well in advance of the tutoring sessions, because I want to have complete understanding. I have turned down free drinks, something heretofore thought to be unthinkable, because this kid was counting on me. Damn, it's good to be able to help somebody. Anybody need any help? Because I'm now in the helping business, and business is good.

Screamers wanted. Apply within.

Has there ever been a bigger football game at Bryant-Denny Stadium than Bama-LSU this weekend? If there has, I can't think of one. So what are you waiting for, Bama fans? Are you going to Tuscaloosa to simply watch? Or are you going there to play? Are you all talk, or are you a screamer? We need screamers Saturday.

The game Saturday is huge. These two teams will go at it like they are trying to get out of a burning building. This could be the hardest-hitting, hardest-fought game of the year - a battle to the death with the winner emerging on a clear path to the national semifinal in Atlanta, and the loser pretty much done for the season, hoping for a chain reaction of upsets but really playing for nothing.

Have you ever heard the old cliche, "Watch out for [insert loser nobody team*], they've got nothing to lose?" Well, Bama and LSU both have everything to lose Saturday. You don't have to be Nostradamus to predict that the winner will play Florida for the SEC championship, and the winner of that one gets to jet out to L.A. to play the Texas Longhorns for the Crystal Football. In the Rose Bowl.

Is Alabama ready? Hell, yeah.

This is what it's all about, Bama fans. This is the situation we dream about and beat our chests over. This is what Auburn fans don't get, and it bothers the hell out of them that they don't get it. These LSU boys, though, they understand. And they want it as bad as our guys do. This is going to be a war.

So here's what I want you to do: First, leave the kids at home. There will be plenty of cheap tickets for the UT-Chattanooga game and the little darlings can get their picture taken with Big Al then. Bring somebody hard core, like you. Go ahead and have some drinks before the game. Visit with your old friends at the frat house, ask how their kids are doing, stop by a few quad parties. But when gametime comes, and LSU has the ball I want you to be ready to make noise. Don't stop. Be relentless. Scream.

Don't wait for LSU to break the huddle and then start making noise -- make noise while they're in the huddle. Remember, they are trying to call a play in there and the intended purpose of that play is to beat our ass. So don't make it easy on them. Scream.

When they come to the line, make more noise. Bama's defense is going to be moving around a good bit, creating doubt, confusion and dread, and #25 is gonna look like Peyton Manning out there, telling everybody to show this look, that look (or is it?) shift over here, no, there. Then #28 might creep up a couple of steps and Whatshisname, their dog-ass QB, won't know whether to shit or go blind (gratuitous Brandon Spikes reference) and the play clock winds down to :05, :04, :03 and it's so loud in there it's like standing behind a jet airplane, only that's us, a shitload of Bama fans foaming at the mouth from the mere aroma of title #13. And if Whatshisname doesn't have the good sense to call time out, or if the center doesn't snap it over his head or if they don't get a delay of game penalty, then BY GOD WE FAILED and we will have to be even louder on the next  play.

This ain't rocket science, folks. LOUD disrupts their ability to communicate. LOUD makes it harder for them to win. Loud makes their quarterback use hand signals on the field and guess what? THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH ONLY HAS TWO HANDS!!!  Rolando McLain will figure that hand signal shit out in, like, five plays. But only if it's TOO LOUD in there for anybody to hear. LOUD may even provide some added motivation for our defense, I don't know. But anyway, when LSU has the ball, HOLLER LIKE YOU'RE IN A HOLLERING CONTEST AND FIRST PRIZE IS A TRIP TO PASADENA-BY-GOD-CALIFORNIA.

Next thing. When Bama has the ball, hush. GMac is trying to call plays and aubibles and we want him to be able to use words and numbers in the huddle and at the line. As anybody can tell you, when you can use words and numbers to call plays, the permutations and combinations approach infinity. Only Vanderbilt could figure it out. But I digress. The intended purpose of every one of our offensive plays is to beat LSU's ass. Be sure our guys can hear the snap count and hear the play call so they'll know which dog-ass bengal tiger to dominate next.

I am so glad Bama is back to the level where these types of games are played. So Saturday, don't talk about it... do it. I don't want a single one of you to leave Bryant-Denny with a voice. When you get to your victory party, you'd better have to communicate with the bartender using hand signals.

* Go ahead & insert Auburn.

Refs From Hell, Kiffin the Squalling Brat, ESPN's Self-Destructing Prophecy, other thoughts

Kiffin Points to Grassy Knoll 
Let me see if I've got this straight. The SEC will make huge money if Alabama and Florida stay ranked 1 and 2, thereby guaranteeing an SEC team will appear in the BCS championship game. SEC Commissioner Mike Slive is doing this by getting all eight conference officiating crews in on the scam with him. That's 56 on-the-field officials, plus replay officials, clock operators, etc. That is a lot of folks in cahoots with each other. A lot more than the Lufthansa job, even. 

All the officials would have to be in on the plan, or at least willing to look the other way while Slive (that's "Evils" spelled backwards) and the Refs From Hell steal games from less-talented but deserving teams like Tennessee, Arkansas and Georgia, and give the ill-gotten wins to Satan's spawn: Alabama, Florida and LSU.   

There must be a secret SEC slush fund from which to pay these bent referees, these scurrilous bank executives, accountants, lawyers and brokers, because God knows they can't make a decent living at their day jobs. What does it cost to fix an SEC football game, anyway? Are all SEC game officials blindly loyal to Lord Slive and the One True Conference? Are you Conspiracy Theorists that fucking dumb? Remember the old Sicilian saying... "Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead."

And Coach Kiffin, you squalling brat... if you still think there was something funny going on in Tuscaloosa,  consider that Coach Dark Lord Saban might have simply slipped your kicker a couple thousand to kick it low. Heh, heh, heh.

Parity: Code Word for "What About Us Losers?"

Memo to you ESPN geniuses now bemoaning the "disappointing" college football season: Apparently this "parity" thing is not all it's cracked up to be. Come on, make up your mind. In a system designed to promote varying degrees of "average" it shouldn't shock anybody that injuries and fatigue make the Big Boys look increasingly "vulnerable" as the season wears on. Sure, we get an also-ran Cinderella every now and then. Most of the time, though, parity simply means that Vanderbilt gets its ass beat 34-17 by a good team instead of 63-3. Big deal. 

Heisman Angst

If you fellas at ESPN hadn't pre-ordained Tebow, Bradford and McCoy as the Holy Trinity before a ball was ever snapped, maybe this season wouldn't be such a big  disappointment  to you. 

What fine young men. Surely one of you

will win the Heisman and marry my daughter.

Bama-UT True Confession -- I Couldn't Watch It!!

True confessions time... I just couldn't watch it. 

There I sat in East Level U-4, Section JJ, row 30, and the Tide had a comfortable, if not terribly impressive, 12-3 lead over the dog-ass Vols. I think there were about four minutes left in the game, Bama had the ball, and the asshole next to me had finally reached the decibel, football expertise and halitosis levels that only a fifth of Early Times can provide on a fall afternoon. 

If you are at all familiar with Bryant-Denny Stadium geography, then you know the above-referenced seat is not only the highest seat in the house, it is also very close to the 50-yard line, making it equidistant from either the north or the south ramp. In other words, if I stayed until the end, I was going to be the last one out of the stadium. The game apparently well in hand, I decided to bolt.

I stopped at the top of the ramp just in time to see Mark Ingram lose the first fumble of his career. Ah, shit. I had fucked up the karma by leaving my seat. Decision time. It took sure-footed mountain goat skills to get down from there. Was I willing to use my sherpa skills to get back up? Not bloody likely. I stayed on the ramp with the smokers and the pacers and watched the dog-ass Vols drive it down and score a touchdown to make it 12-10 Alabama. 

Another change of karma was needed, so I decided to spiral down one more level to watch the onside kick. I found an open spot, which happened to be next to a besotted fan of the dog-ass Vols. This guy was apparently one of those kumbaya, smile-on-your-brother-type drunks who kept telling me what a great game it had been and how neither team deserved to lose. Bullshit. Of course Tennessee deserved to lose. I wanted to toss him over the side into the Bama student section, where the undergrads would have ripped his UT sanitation worker uniform from his smarmy dead carcass and drank his blood, just for the alcohol content. That's what I should've done. The karma was already bad enough, though, so rather than commit a justifiable homicide I decided to spiral down one more.

The next level down I had to peer through a framework of rebar to see the field but at least there weren't any dog-ass Vol fans down there. Down in the bowels of the construction zone (Great! 10,000 more drunken fools looking for parking spaces and puking in the bushes at the KD house next season) I was able to see UT recover the onside kick, then complete a pass down to about our 25. My god, I had screwed the karma up so badly that I only had one choice... GET MY UNLUCKY ASS OUT OF THE STADIUM, QUICK.

While the dog-ass Vols ran a play to center it up, ran off all but the last 4 seconds, then called time out to get the kicker on the field, yours truly was busting his ass to get down those ramps. Seconds after I cleared the exit gate I heard the roar. It was a big roar, one of the biggest ever. Karma was restored.

Many think that Terrence Cody was the hero of this game but now you know it was really me.
          

Steve Spurrier - Evil Genius or Whining Asshole Crybaby?

Dear Steve,

You've always been a lovable asshole, until today.

I thought the "Free Shoes University" and "Can't spell Citrus without U & T" comments were great. Arrogant but witty. Spoken from a position of strength, maybe even dominance. When you were at the top of your profession, you could gig your peers. If you're that good, you don't have to worry too much about getting gigged back.

We all heard that when Florida AD Jeremy Foley indicated you hadn't submitted a resume the last time the Gators job came open, your comment was "My resume is in the trophy case." Or something like that. Truth or SEC legend, that's vintage Steve Superior. If I had a Heisman on the mantel, a national championship ring, a 3 handicap and was whipping ass every Saturday I'd be a little cocksure myself. 

A long time ago, you could give Bobby Bowden and Phil Fulmer a shot or two and get away with it. Now, you're about to join them on the irrelevant pile.

Getting your ass handed to you in the NFL for a couple of years must have cost you a little self-esteem. Then you got back in the college game but couldn't elevate the perennially "okay" South Carolina program anywhere above "okay." I cringed a couple of weeks ago when you compared your win against the overrated julep-drinkers from Ole Miss to your other big upset win against a ranked team --the then-overrated julep-drinkers from Kentucky. That was back in 2007. Or was it? Who cares? 

So now the Evil Genius has determined that Alabama cheated its way to victory Saturday. It seems the holder on place kicks put a "piece of tape" or something on the field to mark the spot where Leigh Tiffin was going to kick from. According to the rulebook this is a no-no and the officials could have assessed a five-yard penalty and made Tiffin kick from waaaaayyy back there -- like, from 30 yards.

Marking the spot is a penalty. STEVE! SO IS HOLDING, YOU WHINING PUSSY! If the officials had called holding every time #66 tackled Marcel Dareus, the damn game wouldn't even be over yet. And if #66 hadn't held on every passing down your quarterback, Whatshisname, would be dead now. 

What do you propose we call this tape infraction? Illegal Spotting? Unnecessary Use of a Foreign Object? (that sounds like something the Iron Sheik would pull out on Dusty Rhodes -- right when the stupid ref wasn't looking). Tell you what, Steve-O, we'll assume all of Tiffin's field goals and extra points this season were ill-gotten and forfeit all of 'em. Bama would still be undefeated, and would have beaten the arguably above-average Gamecocks 12-6. Hell, take away Tiffin's 5 field goals and a PAT against Ole Miss and Bama still beats the Johnny Reb-come-latelies 6-3. 

But enough about the biggest tape scandal since Nixon.

I thought you were showing the old smarts the first time your QB, Whatshisname (I can't even remember his number), overthrew your big receiver, #1 (I can't remember his name) on the fade route, then went right back at Marquis Johnson on the next play. The third time, I kinda said "hmmm." The sixth time I said, "What a dumbass."

Two things, Steve: (1) That's not Danny Wuerfel attacking Bama's weakest link, and (2) Bama's weakest link is not so weak anymore. That shit worked against Bama in the 90s, man.

Steve, we liked you better when you accused us of buying players.  

Best regards,

Bidgood Bob

p.s.: Maybe this one can throw the fade:

Bama 20 - Cocks 6. Bidgood Bob game notes

The sports world is awash with the Crimson Tide today. Mark Ingram is getting well-deserved Heisman buzz and the defense hasn't given up a TD in two games. The Crimson Tide has jumped the Gators to land at #1 in the AP poll and #2 in the BCS. Oh, and the Aubs lost at home to a mediocre Kentucky team playing without its starting QB. Life is good. 

Here are a few Bidgood Bob observations:

South Carolina fans. The Cock fans seemed to be a very well-behaved group who came prepared to take their ass-whipping with dignity and grace. I've always thought SC had a good fan base and I didn't see anything Saturday to change that perception. They were real nice folks. I only saw one near-incident when a pickup truck with Butler County plates tried to cut off another pickup with SC plates. What ensued was a classic verbal exchange with some of the most excellent cussin' I have ever heard in public. The best interchange was between the women riding shotgun in the respective rigs (both had tattoos). As I watched this disagreement between fellow southerners unfold I realized that the Confederacy never really had a chance.   

"We are perennially second-tier, but our stadium is louder than yours!" A couple of SC columnists I read today seemed to take solace in their perception that Williams Brice Hellhole, er, Stadium in Columbia is louder than Bryant-Denny. Well, if you're basing that assumption solely on your visit last night, you may be right. BDS wasn't particularly loud. But you also need to understand this: you're South Carolina. Your fans get excited when Bama comes to your stadium. We don't get very excited when you come to ours. You've never stood between Bama fans and any sort of prize. You've never pissed us off. Your head coach was at Florida the last time he inflicted any damage on Bama fans, and that was a long time ago. Now, he's just a lovable old cuss who's lost his fastball. You want loud? Come back to Tuscaloosa next weekend when the Vols come to town.  

The ribbon boards are a distracting nuisance and serve no purpose other than maybe causing migraines. Scores and stats? Hell, no. REGIONS BANK!!!! YOU MUST BANK AT REGIONS BANK!!! Or my favorite -- ZERO METH!!!!! Sometimes when the ribbon boards change colors they are brighter than the stadium lights. A couple of times last night I thought I had a brain tumor. 

And speaking of ZERO METH, I appreciate their sponsorship of University of Alabama football and it's certainly a good cause. It can't possibly be cheap to advertise on THE RIBBON BOARD or to sponsor the "Zero Meth Instant Replay" (maybe the University is donating the ad space). But I have to wonder if this is effective advertising. I mean, what sort of a meth addict are you if you are inside of Bryant-Denny stadium? Wouldn't you have traded your tickets for some meth?

We know it's third down. I can't believe we need sound effects, creepy animated elephants and that weatherman-sounding PA announcer to let us know it's third down. Alabama fans used to know when it was third down. 

I think the whole thing has gotten a little too polished. I miss Simpson Pepper.  

Here's one from 2003. I had just quit smoking and needed to rant. I have mellowed quite a bit since then (but still feel the same way about MSU)

WARNING. YOU ARE ABOUT TO ENTER A NICOTINE FIT.

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Today is 30 days without a cigarette. Not one relapse. Also, on Monday I ran out of Nicorette gum and decided, hell, since that crap costs more than the Marlboros I have known and loved the last 24 years, I'd just quit those too. Well now I guess the nicotine is completely out of my system, because I can't concentrate worth a damn and I've almost had three wrecks today already and haven't accomplished anything worthwhile other than taking my brother to lunch and almost getting HIM killed and then I decide to check out the Bama message boards on the internet to take what's left of my mind off the cravings and lo and behold there's some Aub on there obsessing about Brodie Croyle’s lack of experience and high interceptions to touchdowns ratio and I wanna go, "HEY! YOU! AUB!! What's your time in the 40? How many pull-ups did you do in the Presidential fitness test in P.E. class? When are you going into the Hall of Fame? But no, I laid off of the bastard because I'm a nice guy, but NO MORE!! You Aubs are a bunch of chinless, genetic throwbacks who start every college days story with "Hey, remember that time you and Tonya came over to my trailer..." And what about you Tennessee types? Listen up, hillbillies... that thing you dry off with after your weekly shower is called a "towel." It's not a "towl." It's a two-syllable word with an "e" in it. Got that? Now you can go back to feuding with the McCoys or groping your sisters or whatever in the hell else y'all do for fun. And I don’t really know what you Georgia leg-humpers and Ole Miss julep-drinkers are sensitive about, but whatever it is, consider this post a whole wheelbarrow load of it, right in your face. If there are any Kentucky, South Carolina, Arkansas, LSU (you drunken swamp trash), or Florida people reading this... listen up: YOU ALL SUCK!! Oh, and don't think I forgot about you Mississippi State morons... I hate you worst of all. And all of you Vanderbilt poindexters can KISS MY CRIMSON ASS, TOO!

Thanks, I feel better now. If I offended anybody with this, I DON'T CARE!!

May 28, 2003

Handicapping Alabama vs. Mississippi (not a football post)

Big game this weekend! Let's compare Alabama and Mississippi position-by-position.

Vegas line: AL favored by 6. Edge to AL

AP Poll: AL #3, MS #20. Edge to AL

Usual rankings in everything else: AL #49, MS #50. Dubious edge to AL

White sandy beaches: Big edge to AL

Funny names of towns: Dick, MS and Dot, MS for example. Edge to MS

Famous musicians: Slight edge to AL
This requires more thought. AL has an advantage in sheer numbers due to its larger overall population and cities like Birmingham, Montgomery and Mobile producing depth. MS has the Big Stud All-American in Elvis. But the King is countered somewhat by AL's legendary Hank Williams, who drank himself to death at an earlier age than Elvis. That's got to count for something.

The Five Blind Boys of Mississippi are canceled out by the Blind Boys of Alabama. Both AL and MS claim Jimmy Buffett, so there's no advantage there. Some sources claim Britney Spears for MS, but she is a Louisiana swamp tramp through and through. I don't even think the Bayou State claims her anymore.

The meat of the MS lineup is its impressive blues unit featuring John Lee Hooker, Tommy Johnson, BB King, Pinetop Perkins, Willie Dixon, Howlin' Wolf and a slew of others, all led by Robert Johnson, who sold his soul to Lucifer J. Mephisto down at the Crossroads. This is a deep, deep squad that will tune 'em up in open G and come at you in waves.

AL can't handle the MS blues unit head-on, so it will counter with a deep and talented soul squad. The bellcow of the AL soul unit is Nat "King" Cole, who will line up with Lionel Richie, the Commodores, Martha Reeves, Clarence Carter ("Strokin'" I love that song), Percy Sledge, Wilson Pickett and the odd Pip and Supreme thrown in. MS counters weakly with Ike Turner, Thelma Houston and David Ruffin of the Temptations, but the rest of the Temps all hail from the AL side.

AL holds a slight edge at the shitkicker position with Hank Jr., the eponymous Alabama, Emmylou Harris, Sonny "Country Gentleman" James, the Oak Ridge Boys, Tammy Wynette, Steve Young and Bobby Goldsboro. The MS country slate is talented, with Faith Hill, Charley Pride and Conway Twitty, but lacks depth. I also think Faith Hill was engineered in some kind of laboratory and may not be eligible this weekend.

The musicians were all pretty even until I got to the tie-breaker: American Idol. AL brings it with Ruben Studdard, Taylor Hicks and Bo Bice. MS can't answer.

Prettiest song: Louisiana, 1927; Randy Newman.
I couldn't think of any pretty songs about AL or MS.

Most screwed-up blue laws: Edge to MS

Famous writers: Huge edge to MS

This one is not even close. MS is at least three-deep at this position with a starting lineup that includes William Faulkner (L), Walker Percy, Alice Walker, Tennessee Williams, David Halberstam and Eudora Welty, backed up by a second team of Willie Morris, John Grisham, Thomas Harris, Jim Henson, Florence King, Shelby Foote and Stephen Ambrose. MS still has William Alexander Percy, Greg Iles, Ace Atkins, Barry Hannah, Patrick D. Smith and Jill Conner Browne in reserve. Pretty scary unit.

AL has a group that is talented at the top, led by starters Harper Lee (R) and Truman Capote, but falls off quickly with backups Helen Keller, Rick Bragg, Gay Talese, Howell Raines, Winston Groom, Fannie Flagg, Daniel Wallace, Edward Osborne Wilson, William Bradford Huie, Robert McGammon and Warren St. John. This AL group could hang in there with most, but MS is just too strong here. Jimmy Buffett and Mark Childress are claimed by AL and MS, but I'm letting them play for AL this time just to keep it fair. This one is so lopsided Bidgood Bob might even get in.

Crooked politicians: Dead even

The rest of my scientific pick 'em categories pretty much cancel out. One state's obesity is cancelled out by the other state's illiteracy, one HIV infection rate counters the neighbor's infant mortality. Both populations are mostly poor people who keep electing Republicans, for some reason. MS casinos neutralize AL "charity bingo." Neither group has an advantage in much of anything.

But what we're most concerned about is FOOTBALL, so based on the foregoing I'm laying the 6 here and taking Bama.    

Ro Tide: Notes from Bama-UK; SEC Network; Aubs (uh-oh); Kiffin (lost ball in high weeds)

Rolando McClain played his ass off. The consensus on talk radio this morning seemed to be that Bama was lucky to get four turnovers against the Cats. Well, that may be so. But the defense made those breaks: Barron's INT - pressure; Ro's INT - pressure; Anders' INT - great heads-up play by Ro; Upshaw's FR for TD - another great play by Ro. Sometimes you have to get some luck. Ro Tide anyway.

Thumbs up on SEC Network. I thought Dave Neal and Andre Ware did a very good job on the broadcast, particularly Ware, who was extremely well-prepared. Neither one has Chris Schenkel's pipes or Keith Jackson's infectious enthusiasm, but they got the job done without any axes to grind and without distracting the audience from the football game with inane crap, value judgments or gaffes. Ware's immediate comparative references to plays and situations from prior games (even prior seasons) evidenced the fact that he had done his homework on both teams.

Ware was also able to point out quarterbacking mistakes without seeming overly critical or condescending a la Danielson. In my book, his Heisman Trophy gives Ware a little more NCAA cred than Danielson. Ware also played for the Detroit Lions, but doesn't seem to have a chip on his shoulder about it, Gary.

Neal's play-by-play work was very good (I watched it twice). His only flat spot came when he made a flippant, self-deprecating "dumb jock" comment about a shot of the UK library coming out of a commercial. Something like "Andre, you and I never spent much time at the library, did we?" Andre seemed to bristle at this one, replying that yes, he actually did spend quite a bit of time at the library. Andre - it's obvious that you spent time in the library, the classroom, learning your craft and getting ready for Bama-UK Saturday. Thanks!

Cara Capuano is not up there in lofty Jill Arrington territory with Erin Andrews or ex-WSFA sideline babe Alex Flanagan, but she did okay. All-in-all, the SEC Network, with its ESPN production quality, is a huge step up from the Lincoln Financial/Jefferson Pilot days.

Why play football at UK? I guess a Kentucky football player and an Alabama basketball player can relate. Wildcat football has played second fiddle to hoops since, well, since forever. I was amazed that UK fans were camping out to get tickets for a basketball practice at Rupp Arena -- but probably no more amazed than the UK fans were when 92,000 Bama fans showed up for a football practice at Bryant-Denny. Oh well. UK is the same school that gave Coach Rupp a new Cadillac for winning the SEC basketball title the same year Coach Bryant won the SEC title in football. A grateful UK gave Bryant a nice cigarette lighter.

Auburn. Just like a bad penny. The pesky Tigers looked fantastic against the hated Vols. I loved seeing Lane Kiffin go all deer-in-the-headlights on national TV. It reminded me of another coach we Bama fans used to know and, uh, love. It is obvious now that Chris Todd's shoulder really was bunged-up last season and the Tigers are playing with confidence. Who knew?

Regarding Kiffin, I advise him to go see the Coen Brothers movie about SEC football, No Country for Young Coaches with Hot Wives. Bama fans have all seen it before... it's violent and has a dissatisfying ending.

Alabama. The State of Surprises. Well here's a shocker for ya.

The boys in marketing came up with that campaign a few years back. The ads were all Surprise! They Have Beaches in Alabama! Surprise! They Have Mountains in Alabama! Surprise! They Have Great Cheap Unplayable Golf Courses in Alabama! The basic gist of the campaign was - We're Not Just Stupid Rednecks. Surprise!

Meet Jackie Denise Knott

Read the link and be sure to peruse some of the comments.

Why am I not surprised?

No wonder the state's broke

Here in Alabama it's been in the news that the Gov needs to fill 193 vacant board seats. Well I am glad he is finally getting a handle on this. Lord knows we don't need vacancies on the State Board of Prosthetics and Orthotics, Alabama Cosmetology Board, Center for Information Services Partnership (I wonder what in the hell that is),  Legislative Youth Advisory Oversight Commission (I hope they don't really have oversight over anything), Massage Therapy Board (I am sure they are the ones who outlawed "happy endings") and a Supercomputer Authority (I heard they are looking to upgrade to a 486). 

I can see where we need an Alabama Securities Commission. There are slickos out there trying to sell bogus investments to widows and orphans. But we also have a Funeral Service Board. I mean, really, how bad can a funeral director screw up?

There is a Statewide Health Coordinating Council (huh?) and a Southern High-Speed Rail Commission (I'm holding my breath on that one). One of my favorites is the Restriction of Youth Access to Tobacco Advisory Board.

I wonder what happens when one member of the Polygraph Examiners Board calls bullshit on another.

We have a Boxing Commission. There hasn't been a boxing match here since Sen. Charles Bishop (the fine statesman from Jasper) punched out Sen. Lowell Barron on the floor of the Alabama Senate in 2007.

We are still funding UFO Days in Fyffe, Mule Day in Winfield, the Syrup Sopping Festival in Loachapoka... our legislature at work. Oh, schoolteacher salaries got whacked by another 7.5% yesterday.

I am just happy the Alabama Cosmetology Board is still in business. We won't be having any of this in Alabama.

Mascot Rant (I'd stand back)

I am referring to the Disney-type, cartoonish mascots. Unless you're desperate to sell tickets, they're stupid.

This pestilence began with that damn Mickey Mouse running around Disneyland and Disney World. "Why doesn't he talk?" millions of little tykes ask. "He's saving his voice for his next movie," reply millions of soon-to-be-broke-as-hell parents. Why doesn't Big Al talk? Why doesn't Aubie talk? Because they're just a couple of stupid college students in stupid costumes and they don't have anything to say.

KGB, the San Diego Chicken, was funny the first few hundred times I saw him. Then came the Phillie Phanatic, a horrific creation, then suddenly everybody had to have a mascot. Lest we forget, the whole idea of these mascots was something the boys in marketing came up with to put butts in seats. Distressed that the lucrative 3 to 7 year-old demographic might not be properly targeted, the boys in marketing decided that what every team needed was a mascot in a fuzzy costume.

Damn thing doesn't even have tusks. Pitiful.

Unbelievably, the University of Alabama copied an Auburn concept when they unveiled Big Al at the end of the 1979 season. It was in response to Aubie, himself (itself?) a marketing ploy launched during the Doug Barfield era, when Auburn couldn't sell a football ticket if it came with a free John Deere cap. Did Alabama really need a kid in an elephant suit to sell tickets? What were we thinking? Hell, Bama had just won two straight national titles and some geniuses decide we need a mascot, because Auburn has one? I think it snowed in hell that day.

You might reply -- but kids like mascots! What's wrong with mascots? Well, kids like Disney movies, too, but that ain't The Little Mermaid they're showing up there on the jumbotrons. That's an instant replay of Rolando McClain trying to put his headgear through Ryan Mallett's spinal column, that's what it is, and it ain't fit for little kids to see.

Here's the deal. When you have mascots, your little kids want to go to the game. So you take ‘em, because they’re little kids and they’ll cry if you don’t. When they get there, they want to go see Big Al or the other team’s mascot -- even better if they're rasslin' each other -- so you walk them down fifty rows to the fence and back up a couple of times -- and that's when they're not making you fetch cokes, hotdogs and those always-tasty stadium nachos topped with great gobs of nourishing pump cheese. Then you have to go with them to the bathroom about twelve times. Then they get hot and cranky and midway through the forth quarter of a tight ballgame you’ve got no choice but to leave early, try to beat the traffic and endure Eli Gold’s call of the final minutes. I blame all of this on mascots.

Now, a real elephant is out of the question. When Uga takes a dump over in Athens, some sideline attendant can take care of that with a zip-lock bag. If Bama had a real elephant on the sideline, well, the logistics get complicated. I remember when the DKEs were selling elephant rides a few years ago at homecoming (they said it was to raise money for the March of Dimes or somebody, but I know it was for drugs). Anyway, the whole campus smelled like elephant shit all day.

So to sum up... a real elephant won't work and we can do without a fuzzy sideline mascot. We can keep one of Big Al's heads so Lee Corso can make an ass out of himself on GameDay. Better still, that old buffoon can just pick the other team to win. I don't care.

This guy would kill Big Al, just to watch him die.

I like real mascots. As much as it pains me to say it, the eagle flight at Auburn is one of the coolest things I've ever seen. And what about the Seminole brave who charges to midfield on his Appaloosa and then plants a flaming spear in the turf? Well, that’s more crowd-pleasing, emotion-charging and potentially intimidating than a sophomore in an elephant suit stomping on a stuffed tiger. I like the Sooner Schooner. I like Bevo. He’s a mean-looking steer. You don’t wanna step on nothin’ Bevo’s left behind. That Southern Cal Trojan Man? Get it? Hell, I even like ol’ Smokey and Uga. They’re real dogs. And I loved it when Uga went after that Aub’s crotch.

Good boy.