Screamers wanted. Apply within.

Has there ever been a bigger football game at Bryant-Denny Stadium than Bama-LSU this weekend? If there has, I can't think of one. So what are you waiting for, Bama fans? Are you going to Tuscaloosa to simply watch? Or are you going there to play? Are you all talk, or are you a screamer? We need screamers Saturday.

The game Saturday is huge. These two teams will go at it like they are trying to get out of a burning building. This could be the hardest-hitting, hardest-fought game of the year - a battle to the death with the winner emerging on a clear path to the national semifinal in Atlanta, and the loser pretty much done for the season, hoping for a chain reaction of upsets but really playing for nothing.

Have you ever heard the old cliche, "Watch out for [insert loser nobody team*], they've got nothing to lose?" Well, Bama and LSU both have everything to lose Saturday. You don't have to be Nostradamus to predict that the winner will play Florida for the SEC championship, and the winner of that one gets to jet out to L.A. to play the Texas Longhorns for the Crystal Football. In the Rose Bowl.

Is Alabama ready? Hell, yeah.

This is what it's all about, Bama fans. This is the situation we dream about and beat our chests over. This is what Auburn fans don't get, and it bothers the hell out of them that they don't get it. These LSU boys, though, they understand. And they want it as bad as our guys do. This is going to be a war.

So here's what I want you to do: First, leave the kids at home. There will be plenty of cheap tickets for the UT-Chattanooga game and the little darlings can get their picture taken with Big Al then. Bring somebody hard core, like you. Go ahead and have some drinks before the game. Visit with your old friends at the frat house, ask how their kids are doing, stop by a few quad parties. But when gametime comes, and LSU has the ball I want you to be ready to make noise. Don't stop. Be relentless. Scream.

Don't wait for LSU to break the huddle and then start making noise -- make noise while they're in the huddle. Remember, they are trying to call a play in there and the intended purpose of that play is to beat our ass. So don't make it easy on them. Scream.

When they come to the line, make more noise. Bama's defense is going to be moving around a good bit, creating doubt, confusion and dread, and #25 is gonna look like Peyton Manning out there, telling everybody to show this look, that look (or is it?) shift over here, no, there. Then #28 might creep up a couple of steps and Whatshisname, their dog-ass QB, won't know whether to shit or go blind (gratuitous Brandon Spikes reference) and the play clock winds down to :05, :04, :03 and it's so loud in there it's like standing behind a jet airplane, only that's us, a shitload of Bama fans foaming at the mouth from the mere aroma of title #13. And if Whatshisname doesn't have the good sense to call time out, or if the center doesn't snap it over his head or if they don't get a delay of game penalty, then BY GOD WE FAILED and we will have to be even louder on the next  play.

This ain't rocket science, folks. LOUD disrupts their ability to communicate. LOUD makes it harder for them to win. Loud makes their quarterback use hand signals on the field and guess what? THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH ONLY HAS TWO HANDS!!!  Rolando McLain will figure that hand signal shit out in, like, five plays. But only if it's TOO LOUD in there for anybody to hear. LOUD may even provide some added motivation for our defense, I don't know. But anyway, when LSU has the ball, HOLLER LIKE YOU'RE IN A HOLLERING CONTEST AND FIRST PRIZE IS A TRIP TO PASADENA-BY-GOD-CALIFORNIA.

Next thing. When Bama has the ball, hush. GMac is trying to call plays and aubibles and we want him to be able to use words and numbers in the huddle and at the line. As anybody can tell you, when you can use words and numbers to call plays, the permutations and combinations approach infinity. Only Vanderbilt could figure it out. But I digress. The intended purpose of every one of our offensive plays is to beat LSU's ass. Be sure our guys can hear the snap count and hear the play call so they'll know which dog-ass bengal tiger to dominate next.

I am so glad Bama is back to the level where these types of games are played. So Saturday, don't talk about it... do it. I don't want a single one of you to leave Bryant-Denny with a voice. When you get to your victory party, you'd better have to communicate with the bartender using hand signals.

* Go ahead & insert Auburn.