Bama-UT True Confession -- I Couldn't Watch It!!

True confessions time... I just couldn't watch it. 

There I sat in East Level U-4, Section JJ, row 30, and the Tide had a comfortable, if not terribly impressive, 12-3 lead over the dog-ass Vols. I think there were about four minutes left in the game, Bama had the ball, and the asshole next to me had finally reached the decibel, football expertise and halitosis levels that only a fifth of Early Times can provide on a fall afternoon. 

If you are at all familiar with Bryant-Denny Stadium geography, then you know the above-referenced seat is not only the highest seat in the house, it is also very close to the 50-yard line, making it equidistant from either the north or the south ramp. In other words, if I stayed until the end, I was going to be the last one out of the stadium. The game apparently well in hand, I decided to bolt.

I stopped at the top of the ramp just in time to see Mark Ingram lose the first fumble of his career. Ah, shit. I had fucked up the karma by leaving my seat. Decision time. It took sure-footed mountain goat skills to get down from there. Was I willing to use my sherpa skills to get back up? Not bloody likely. I stayed on the ramp with the smokers and the pacers and watched the dog-ass Vols drive it down and score a touchdown to make it 12-10 Alabama. 

Another change of karma was needed, so I decided to spiral down one more level to watch the onside kick. I found an open spot, which happened to be next to a besotted fan of the dog-ass Vols. This guy was apparently one of those kumbaya, smile-on-your-brother-type drunks who kept telling me what a great game it had been and how neither team deserved to lose. Bullshit. Of course Tennessee deserved to lose. I wanted to toss him over the side into the Bama student section, where the undergrads would have ripped his UT sanitation worker uniform from his smarmy dead carcass and drank his blood, just for the alcohol content. That's what I should've done. The karma was already bad enough, though, so rather than commit a justifiable homicide I decided to spiral down one more.

The next level down I had to peer through a framework of rebar to see the field but at least there weren't any dog-ass Vol fans down there. Down in the bowels of the construction zone (Great! 10,000 more drunken fools looking for parking spaces and puking in the bushes at the KD house next season) I was able to see UT recover the onside kick, then complete a pass down to about our 25. My god, I had screwed the karma up so badly that I only had one choice... GET MY UNLUCKY ASS OUT OF THE STADIUM, QUICK.

While the dog-ass Vols ran a play to center it up, ran off all but the last 4 seconds, then called time out to get the kicker on the field, yours truly was busting his ass to get down those ramps. Seconds after I cleared the exit gate I heard the roar. It was a big roar, one of the biggest ever. Karma was restored.

Many think that Terrence Cody was the hero of this game but now you know it was really me.