Handicapping Alabama vs. Mississippi (not a football post)

Big game this weekend! Let's compare Alabama and Mississippi position-by-position.

Vegas line: AL favored by 6. Edge to AL

AP Poll: AL #3, MS #20. Edge to AL

Usual rankings in everything else: AL #49, MS #50. Dubious edge to AL

White sandy beaches: Big edge to AL

Funny names of towns: Dick, MS and Dot, MS for example. Edge to MS

Famous musicians: Slight edge to AL
This requires more thought. AL has an advantage in sheer numbers due to its larger overall population and cities like Birmingham, Montgomery and Mobile producing depth. MS has the Big Stud All-American in Elvis. But the King is countered somewhat by AL's legendary Hank Williams, who drank himself to death at an earlier age than Elvis. That's got to count for something.

The Five Blind Boys of Mississippi are canceled out by the Blind Boys of Alabama. Both AL and MS claim Jimmy Buffett, so there's no advantage there. Some sources claim Britney Spears for MS, but she is a Louisiana swamp tramp through and through. I don't even think the Bayou State claims her anymore.

The meat of the MS lineup is its impressive blues unit featuring John Lee Hooker, Tommy Johnson, BB King, Pinetop Perkins, Willie Dixon, Howlin' Wolf and a slew of others, all led by Robert Johnson, who sold his soul to Lucifer J. Mephisto down at the Crossroads. This is a deep, deep squad that will tune 'em up in open G and come at you in waves.

AL can't handle the MS blues unit head-on, so it will counter with a deep and talented soul squad. The bellcow of the AL soul unit is Nat "King" Cole, who will line up with Lionel Richie, the Commodores, Martha Reeves, Clarence Carter ("Strokin'" I love that song), Percy Sledge, Wilson Pickett and the odd Pip and Supreme thrown in. MS counters weakly with Ike Turner, Thelma Houston and David Ruffin of the Temptations, but the rest of the Temps all hail from the AL side.

AL holds a slight edge at the shitkicker position with Hank Jr., the eponymous Alabama, Emmylou Harris, Sonny "Country Gentleman" James, the Oak Ridge Boys, Tammy Wynette, Steve Young and Bobby Goldsboro. The MS country slate is talented, with Faith Hill, Charley Pride and Conway Twitty, but lacks depth. I also think Faith Hill was engineered in some kind of laboratory and may not be eligible this weekend.

The musicians were all pretty even until I got to the tie-breaker: American Idol. AL brings it with Ruben Studdard, Taylor Hicks and Bo Bice. MS can't answer.

Prettiest song: Louisiana, 1927; Randy Newman.
I couldn't think of any pretty songs about AL or MS.

Most screwed-up blue laws: Edge to MS

Famous writers: Huge edge to MS

This one is not even close. MS is at least three-deep at this position with a starting lineup that includes William Faulkner (L), Walker Percy, Alice Walker, Tennessee Williams, David Halberstam and Eudora Welty, backed up by a second team of Willie Morris, John Grisham, Thomas Harris, Jim Henson, Florence King, Shelby Foote and Stephen Ambrose. MS still has William Alexander Percy, Greg Iles, Ace Atkins, Barry Hannah, Patrick D. Smith and Jill Conner Browne in reserve. Pretty scary unit.

AL has a group that is talented at the top, led by starters Harper Lee (R) and Truman Capote, but falls off quickly with backups Helen Keller, Rick Bragg, Gay Talese, Howell Raines, Winston Groom, Fannie Flagg, Daniel Wallace, Edward Osborne Wilson, William Bradford Huie, Robert McGammon and Warren St. John. This AL group could hang in there with most, but MS is just too strong here. Jimmy Buffett and Mark Childress are claimed by AL and MS, but I'm letting them play for AL this time just to keep it fair. This one is so lopsided Bidgood Bob might even get in.

Crooked politicians: Dead even

The rest of my scientific pick 'em categories pretty much cancel out. One state's obesity is cancelled out by the other state's illiteracy, one HIV infection rate counters the neighbor's infant mortality. Both populations are mostly poor people who keep electing Republicans, for some reason. MS casinos neutralize AL "charity bingo." Neither group has an advantage in much of anything.

But what we're most concerned about is FOOTBALL, so based on the foregoing I'm laying the 6 here and taking Bama.