Dear Steve,
You've always been a lovable asshole, until today.
I thought the "Free Shoes University" and "Can't spell Citrus without U & T" comments were great. Arrogant but witty. Spoken from a position of strength, maybe even dominance. When you were at the top of your profession, you could gig your peers. If you're that good, you don't have to worry too much about getting gigged back.
We all heard that when Florida AD Jeremy Foley indicated you hadn't submitted a resume the last time the Gators job came open, your comment was "My resume is in the trophy case." Or something like that. Truth or SEC legend, that's vintage Steve Superior. If I had a Heisman on the mantel, a national championship ring, a 3 handicap and was whipping ass every Saturday I'd be a little cocksure myself.
A long time ago, you could give Bobby Bowden and Phil Fulmer a shot or two and get away with it. Now, you're about to join them on the irrelevant pile.
Getting your ass handed to you in the NFL for a couple of years must have cost you a little self-esteem. Then you got back in the college game but couldn't elevate the perennially "okay" South Carolina program anywhere above "okay." I cringed a couple of weeks ago when you compared your win against the overrated julep-drinkers from Ole Miss to your other big upset win against a ranked team --the then-overrated julep-drinkers from Kentucky. That was back in 2007. Or was it? Who cares?
So now the Evil Genius has determined that Alabama cheated its way to victory Saturday. It seems the holder on place kicks put a "piece of tape" or something on the field to mark the spot where Leigh Tiffin was going to kick from. According to the rulebook this is a no-no and the officials could have assessed a five-yard penalty and made Tiffin kick from waaaaayyy back there -- like, from 30 yards.
Marking the spot is a penalty. STEVE! SO IS HOLDING, YOU WHINING PUSSY! If the officials had called holding every time #66 tackled Marcel Dareus, the damn game wouldn't even be over yet. And if #66 hadn't held on every passing down your quarterback, Whatshisname, would be dead now.
What do you propose we call this tape infraction? Illegal Spotting? Unnecessary Use of a Foreign Object? (that sounds like something the Iron Sheik would pull out on Dusty Rhodes -- right when the stupid ref wasn't looking). Tell you what, Steve-O, we'll assume all of Tiffin's field goals and extra points this season were ill-gotten and forfeit all of 'em. Bama would still be undefeated, and would have beaten the arguably above-average Gamecocks 12-6. Hell, take away Tiffin's 5 field goals and a PAT against Ole Miss and Bama still beats the Johnny Reb-come-latelies 6-3.
But enough about the biggest tape scandal since Nixon.
I thought you were showing the old smarts the first time your QB, Whatshisname (I can't even remember his number), overthrew your big receiver, #1 (I can't remember his name) on the fade route, then went right back at Marquis Johnson on the next play. The third time, I kinda said "hmmm." The sixth time I said, "What a dumbass."
Two things, Steve: (1) That's not Danny Wuerfel attacking Bama's weakest link, and (2) Bama's weakest link is not so weak anymore. That shit worked against Bama in the 90s, man.
Steve, we liked you better when you accused us of buying players.
Best regards,
Bidgood Bob
p.s.: Maybe this one can throw the fade:
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