A Short History of the Reformation, Bama Style

Bama’s homecoming win against the Ole Miss Black Bears (or whatever we have to call them now) is thankfully in the books. The late kickoff made for a long day, so my memories are rather wooly. As deadline approaches, I can’t find my scribbled notes and I think the digital voice recorder I use for preserving insightful observations got left on the bar at Gallette’s.

Therefore lacking the wherewithal to regale The Independent’s well-read subscribers with amusing anecdotes from the Capstone, I must check off to the safety valve -- a history column about The Reformation.

The start of a movement

Many historians believe the Reformation began in 1517 when Martin Luther hammered his 95 Theses to the door of a German cathedral, thereby challenging the primacy of the Roman Catholic Church and instigating Protestantism. Hah! Those silly historians couldn’t be more wrong.

The Reformation began on January 4, 2007 when a Gulfstream jet landed at Tuscaloosa Regional Airport and Nick Saban climbed out of it. This represented the first challenge to the official religion of the Bama Nation, Bryantology, and launched a reform movement now commonly referred to as Sabanism. Whereas Martin Luther had his 95 Theses, Saban brought the Process, and it was good.

The rise of Bryantology is well documented, but I will sum up for the uninitiated. It went like this: the U.S. seized the Yellowhammer State from its rightful owners, and then in 1831 the Legislature created the Promised Land in Tuscaloosa. The Chosen People wandered for a spell and dabbled at football until George Denny emerged as their leader. Denny begat Wade, who begat Thomas, who begat Bryant. You know the rest.

Of course, there have been offshoots. For a while there were Perkiscopalians, Curryists, Stallingists, Dubosians, Franchionistas, and Shula Krishnas. None of these ever really caught on, except for the Stallingists, which most college football theologians characterize as a fundamentalist Bryantology sect ultimately snuffed out by NCAA Philistines and the Free Homer Movement. But I digress.

The Doctrine of Bryantology requires constant proclamation of past successes and an unyielding belief in the manifest destiny that Bama will always prevail simply because of its Bamaness. The observant and faithful can be seen in and around the Bryant-Denny Cathedral in their houndstooth vestments, partaking in the sacraments of bourbon and crimson kool-aid, secure in the kind of faith that can sustain a true believer through six straight losses to Auburn.

He is watching you.

Bryantology is a quirky faith. Its high holy ground is Moro Bottom, Arkansas. It uses a bizarre numerical system that multiplies national championships by a factor of two. Its followers do not visit doctors, instead knowing that an offering of a Coke and some Golden Flake chips at the foot of the Bryant statue will have you feeling better by the time you get back to Gordo.

One of the more moving elements of Bryantology is the ecstasy of the masses during the pregame Incantations, which accompany video highlights of umpteen national championships and which are comprehensible only to the faithful. For years, the Incantations would emanate from the Bryant-Denny speakers like a bullfrog rumbling at the bottom of a well, and then out would run the team for kickoff.

But a strange thing happened in Bryant-Denny one afternoon in the late summer of 2007. Immediately after the Incantations, the Jumbotrons flickered for a moment then returned to focus on the image of a long, empty tunnel. The opening riffs of AC/DC’s Thunderstruck began to pound the air. Then two Alabama State Troopers appeared at the far end of the tunnel and waited, at parade rest. And these were not the usual flabby, about-to-retire troopers, either. These were hard, chiseled troopers you’d hate to run into after a night of doing shots and acting the fool. What was happening here?

This is how it unfolded. All of a sudden the image of Saban, flanked by the troopers, appeared on the colossal screens. Just as suddenly the multitudes seemed to forget about the Incantations and rose as one, a sea of deafening crimson as the players, larger than life and with purpose in their movement, fell in behind Saban for the walk down the tunnel.

They emerged from the tunnel, streaming from video screen to hallowed ground, picking up pace and breaking into a charge to the thunderous delight of the crowd, which was being Processed from a celebration of the past into the shimmering light of the here and now. In that moment Sabanism was born.

One at a time, a'ight?

Hardcore Bryantologists with holy artifacts.

Now there is a great divide in the once-monotheistic Bama Nation. Houndstooth fedoras give way to wide-brimmed Panama hats. Newly converted Sabanists abandon the recitation of past glory in favor of relentless attention to the present. While Bryantologists remember the Rose Bowl, Sabanists are consumed with a laser-like focus on this Saturday, and this Saturday alone.

Yes, he lost a game to South Carolina. But the faithful still believe. Heck, it took more than one plague for Pharaoh to get it through his thick skull that the Chosen People were not to be trifled with. This would be a good place for a Red Sea metaphor, but as usual I am on a deadline and have to wrap this up. Oh well.

So what will come of the Reformation? Will Bryantology and Sabanism be able to coexist peacefully? Or will the two factions devolve into centuries of self-destructive conflict? Will the conflict create a void to be filled by the upstart Newtonarians from the East? Are there barbarians at the gate? Stay tuned.

Uh-oh.

Bidgood Bob's cries for help are sometimes published in the Montgomery Independent, a scruffy weekly that you may not always agree with, but you ought to subscribe to anyway, because there is something worth reading in there every single time.


Almost forgot... lay the points and take Bama in Knoxville. 

RECAPPING A DECENT YEAR

Well, that's one less thing.

Not a damn thing BamaBing can add to this. Let's hope recruiting continues to go okay and we can stay scandal-free for a few years.


This could turn out to be a pretty nice ride if we don't screw it up. We usually screw it up, but there's always hope.




Orrin Hatch: Invite Boise State to the White House, too!

LINK: Here is Sen. Hatch's stupid letter


LINK: Here's what blogger Jan Crawford of CBS News thinks about his stupid letter


In Thursday's letter, Hatch says inviting both teams will "send a clear message" that champions should be chosen on the field. (Birmingham News 1/14/10) How about on the South Lawn?




Lane Kiffin

ESPN's Pat Forde said it best - Paris Hilton has paid more dues than this guy.

I am truly going to enjoy watching this little pecker-gnat crash and burn. It's a shame that he's going to help bring down one of the great college football programs with him but, hey, that's life. It takes about 17 years to recover from this type of stupid decision, especially with some scholarship losses thrown in.

You've got to give him credit, though. Kiffin must have one hell of a live boy/dead girl photo album and he's not afraid to use it.

Urban Meyer is a big ole sissy. That's all I can come up with.

Tommy Tuberville would have been a better fit at South Florida.

Steve Spurrier is now only in it for the fat salary. Am I the only one who can see this?

LSU will again have top-tier talent coached by the dumbass Les Miles, who boasts the highest off-Wall Street salary to brains ratio in the history of earth.

I don't think Mark Richt recruits hard enough.

One institution in the SEC has characteristics of a Potemkin Village. I will do a whole blog post on this theme sometime before signing day.

THIS YEAR'S "STATEMENT OF THE OBVIOUS" AWARD:
New Tennessee head coach Derek Dooley:
"I'm not Nick Saban."

Bama 20 - Cocks 6. Bidgood Bob game notes

The sports world is awash with the Crimson Tide today. Mark Ingram is getting well-deserved Heisman buzz and the defense hasn't given up a TD in two games. The Crimson Tide has jumped the Gators to land at #1 in the AP poll and #2 in the BCS. Oh, and the Aubs lost at home to a mediocre Kentucky team playing without its starting QB. Life is good. 

Here are a few Bidgood Bob observations:

South Carolina fans. The Cock fans seemed to be a very well-behaved group who came prepared to take their ass-whipping with dignity and grace. I've always thought SC had a good fan base and I didn't see anything Saturday to change that perception. They were real nice folks. I only saw one near-incident when a pickup truck with Butler County plates tried to cut off another pickup with SC plates. What ensued was a classic verbal exchange with some of the most excellent cussin' I have ever heard in public. The best interchange was between the women riding shotgun in the respective rigs (both had tattoos). As I watched this disagreement between fellow southerners unfold I realized that the Confederacy never really had a chance.   

"We are perennially second-tier, but our stadium is louder than yours!" A couple of SC columnists I read today seemed to take solace in their perception that Williams Brice Hellhole, er, Stadium in Columbia is louder than Bryant-Denny. Well, if you're basing that assumption solely on your visit last night, you may be right. BDS wasn't particularly loud. But you also need to understand this: you're South Carolina. Your fans get excited when Bama comes to your stadium. We don't get very excited when you come to ours. You've never stood between Bama fans and any sort of prize. You've never pissed us off. Your head coach was at Florida the last time he inflicted any damage on Bama fans, and that was a long time ago. Now, he's just a lovable old cuss who's lost his fastball. You want loud? Come back to Tuscaloosa next weekend when the Vols come to town.  

The ribbon boards are a distracting nuisance and serve no purpose other than maybe causing migraines. Scores and stats? Hell, no. REGIONS BANK!!!! YOU MUST BANK AT REGIONS BANK!!! Or my favorite -- ZERO METH!!!!! Sometimes when the ribbon boards change colors they are brighter than the stadium lights. A couple of times last night I thought I had a brain tumor. 

And speaking of ZERO METH, I appreciate their sponsorship of University of Alabama football and it's certainly a good cause. It can't possibly be cheap to advertise on THE RIBBON BOARD or to sponsor the "Zero Meth Instant Replay" (maybe the University is donating the ad space). But I have to wonder if this is effective advertising. I mean, what sort of a meth addict are you if you are inside of Bryant-Denny stadium? Wouldn't you have traded your tickets for some meth?

We know it's third down. I can't believe we need sound effects, creepy animated elephants and that weatherman-sounding PA announcer to let us know it's third down. Alabama fans used to know when it was third down. 

I think the whole thing has gotten a little too polished. I miss Simpson Pepper.  

Handicapping Alabama vs. Mississippi (not a football post)

Big game this weekend! Let's compare Alabama and Mississippi position-by-position.

Vegas line: AL favored by 6. Edge to AL

AP Poll: AL #3, MS #20. Edge to AL

Usual rankings in everything else: AL #49, MS #50. Dubious edge to AL

White sandy beaches: Big edge to AL

Funny names of towns: Dick, MS and Dot, MS for example. Edge to MS

Famous musicians: Slight edge to AL
This requires more thought. AL has an advantage in sheer numbers due to its larger overall population and cities like Birmingham, Montgomery and Mobile producing depth. MS has the Big Stud All-American in Elvis. But the King is countered somewhat by AL's legendary Hank Williams, who drank himself to death at an earlier age than Elvis. That's got to count for something.

The Five Blind Boys of Mississippi are canceled out by the Blind Boys of Alabama. Both AL and MS claim Jimmy Buffett, so there's no advantage there. Some sources claim Britney Spears for MS, but she is a Louisiana swamp tramp through and through. I don't even think the Bayou State claims her anymore.

The meat of the MS lineup is its impressive blues unit featuring John Lee Hooker, Tommy Johnson, BB King, Pinetop Perkins, Willie Dixon, Howlin' Wolf and a slew of others, all led by Robert Johnson, who sold his soul to Lucifer J. Mephisto down at the Crossroads. This is a deep, deep squad that will tune 'em up in open G and come at you in waves.

AL can't handle the MS blues unit head-on, so it will counter with a deep and talented soul squad. The bellcow of the AL soul unit is Nat "King" Cole, who will line up with Lionel Richie, the Commodores, Martha Reeves, Clarence Carter ("Strokin'" I love that song), Percy Sledge, Wilson Pickett and the odd Pip and Supreme thrown in. MS counters weakly with Ike Turner, Thelma Houston and David Ruffin of the Temptations, but the rest of the Temps all hail from the AL side.

AL holds a slight edge at the shitkicker position with Hank Jr., the eponymous Alabama, Emmylou Harris, Sonny "Country Gentleman" James, the Oak Ridge Boys, Tammy Wynette, Steve Young and Bobby Goldsboro. The MS country slate is talented, with Faith Hill, Charley Pride and Conway Twitty, but lacks depth. I also think Faith Hill was engineered in some kind of laboratory and may not be eligible this weekend.

The musicians were all pretty even until I got to the tie-breaker: American Idol. AL brings it with Ruben Studdard, Taylor Hicks and Bo Bice. MS can't answer.

Prettiest song: Louisiana, 1927; Randy Newman.
I couldn't think of any pretty songs about AL or MS.

Most screwed-up blue laws: Edge to MS

Famous writers: Huge edge to MS

This one is not even close. MS is at least three-deep at this position with a starting lineup that includes William Faulkner (L), Walker Percy, Alice Walker, Tennessee Williams, David Halberstam and Eudora Welty, backed up by a second team of Willie Morris, John Grisham, Thomas Harris, Jim Henson, Florence King, Shelby Foote and Stephen Ambrose. MS still has William Alexander Percy, Greg Iles, Ace Atkins, Barry Hannah, Patrick D. Smith and Jill Conner Browne in reserve. Pretty scary unit.

AL has a group that is talented at the top, led by starters Harper Lee (R) and Truman Capote, but falls off quickly with backups Helen Keller, Rick Bragg, Gay Talese, Howell Raines, Winston Groom, Fannie Flagg, Daniel Wallace, Edward Osborne Wilson, William Bradford Huie, Robert McGammon and Warren St. John. This AL group could hang in there with most, but MS is just too strong here. Jimmy Buffett and Mark Childress are claimed by AL and MS, but I'm letting them play for AL this time just to keep it fair. This one is so lopsided Bidgood Bob might even get in.

Crooked politicians: Dead even

The rest of my scientific pick 'em categories pretty much cancel out. One state's obesity is cancelled out by the other state's illiteracy, one HIV infection rate counters the neighbor's infant mortality. Both populations are mostly poor people who keep electing Republicans, for some reason. MS casinos neutralize AL "charity bingo." Neither group has an advantage in much of anything.

But what we're most concerned about is FOOTBALL, so based on the foregoing I'm laying the 6 here and taking Bama.    

Here's what I've got

This blog is mostly stories and observations from Alabama. Since I first realized that The Man runs everything (and that I am not The Man), I quit trying to figure it all out and now I just try to find the humor in things. What better place for that than Alabama? You might not think anything on here is even remotely amusing, particularly if you're not from around here, but a good friend advised me to write this for me, not you. No offense.

I've been living here for a long time, so that's why they're Alabama stories. If one of my stories didn't happen in Alabama then it's probably about some dumbass from Alabama who went somewhere else, and everything went horribly wrong.

If you are a struggling Hollywood screenwriter and want to use some of these stories to win fame, fortune and an Oscar, then knock yourself out. I was rich once and my life wasn't any better than it is now. Also, once you get rich you won't be able to write for shit.

Here's what I'm going to write about:

People in Alabama. This state is home to some of the most entertaining storytellers, dumbest rednecks, crookedest politicians, greediest scumbags, richest ne'er-do-wells, craftiest lawyers, drunkest drunks, craziest town idiots, best musicians, sleaziest dickheads, meanest bitches and greatest sumbitches I ever knew. Some are alive, some are dead and some I've made up. Here is where I write about them.

The recession. They say it's over. Well, they're full of shit. I've got some stories about the recession, some firsthand, others I just heard about. Sometimes I wonder about people who don't really know how to do anything -- like, how in the hell are they going to come out of all this? What are these folks going to do when it's over, and nobody hires them back because we figured out ways to do without them?

Amusing but true. Like when the cop in Prichard saw an old homeless dude pulling thirty feet of chain down Bay Bridge Road and the cop yelled, "Hey! What you doing pullin' that chain?" And the old guy answered, "What the fuck you want me to do? Push it?"

Public corruption. I have seen it with my own two eyes. There are a lot of hands out. I'm afraid I won't be able to keep this blog anonymous enough to name names. That's a shame. Some of the stories are worth telling, though. There are some big ol' brass balls out there.

Politics. I am in favor of humane executions, so I guess in Alabama that makes me a lefty.

The University of Alabama. I'm a third generation graduate and my daughter will soon make it four. It's one of the few institutions I believe in, for the most part. The education was probably as good as most places. I came out with some better-than-average social skills and can hold my liquor with anybody. My knowledge of Crimson Tide football is encyclopedic. If it's raining outside, I like to sit in my house and count my national championships. It's weird, every time I count them I keep coming up with a different number.

Parenthood. This is a tough subject. I think I've been a pretty good dad based on the outcome. Or maybe I was just lucky, who knows. The story about being pestered into giving up cigarettes is funny as hell, however. I can't wait to get it down on paper, or on the blog (in the blog?). Whatever this damn thing is.

Food. Son of a bitch, I love food. I write on another blog about food. I should link that, I guess.

Religion. I am a Bryantologist. We don't hate gay people or liberals, we just hate Aubs. There will be a big blog post on this, and I am sure my Aub brethren will take issue with some of the teachings of Bryantology, but let me assure you, a hardcore Bryantologist is harder to argue with than a hardcore creationist or an Atlanta lawyer.

PhotoShop. Don't piss me off. I will have a picture of you buggering a goat on the internet in 10 minutes.

More later.