RECAPPING A DECENT YEAR

Well, that's one less thing.

Not a damn thing BamaBing can add to this. Let's hope recruiting continues to go okay and we can stay scandal-free for a few years.


This could turn out to be a pretty nice ride if we don't screw it up. We usually screw it up, but there's always hope.




Orrin Hatch: Invite Boise State to the White House, too!

LINK: Here is Sen. Hatch's stupid letter


LINK: Here's what blogger Jan Crawford of CBS News thinks about his stupid letter


In Thursday's letter, Hatch says inviting both teams will "send a clear message" that champions should be chosen on the field. (Birmingham News 1/14/10) How about on the South Lawn?




Lane Kiffin

ESPN's Pat Forde said it best - Paris Hilton has paid more dues than this guy.

I am truly going to enjoy watching this little pecker-gnat crash and burn. It's a shame that he's going to help bring down one of the great college football programs with him but, hey, that's life. It takes about 17 years to recover from this type of stupid decision, especially with some scholarship losses thrown in.

You've got to give him credit, though. Kiffin must have one hell of a live boy/dead girl photo album and he's not afraid to use it.

Urban Meyer is a big ole sissy. That's all I can come up with.

Tommy Tuberville would have been a better fit at South Florida.

Steve Spurrier is now only in it for the fat salary. Am I the only one who can see this?

LSU will again have top-tier talent coached by the dumbass Les Miles, who boasts the highest off-Wall Street salary to brains ratio in the history of earth.

I don't think Mark Richt recruits hard enough.

One institution in the SEC has characteristics of a Potemkin Village. I will do a whole blog post on this theme sometime before signing day.

THIS YEAR'S "STATEMENT OF THE OBVIOUS" AWARD:
New Tennessee head coach Derek Dooley:
"I'm not Nick Saban."

So you're going to the Auburn game?

Survival Guide for ‘Bama Fans in Auburn

George Bernard Shaw, the great Irish dramatist and purported socialist, once said “England and America are two countries separated by a common language.” I always liked the quote, as much for its economy of words as its message. Being a fraction Irish myself, and 100% Southern, I fully understand being misunderstood and often ponder why people sharing the same language and lineage, who reside within common borders and even in the same neighborhoods, choose to turn against one another for no apparent reason.

Take Auburn University and its followers, the Aubs, for example. Yes, we share a form of the same language. We grudgingly share a state with them. We went to high school with them, share zip codes, go to church together and sometimes, out of some sense of noblesse oblige, even let our children play with theirs. Outside.

But tomorrow we will be strangers in a strange land – their land, not ours -- outnumbered and outgunned, hoping to leave Friday evening victorious and elated, but injury-free and with fully-inflated tires on our cars. We have to ask ourselves the question, like noted American social icon Rodney King did, “Can we all get along?” And since I’m quoting social icons and purported socialists today, the answer is a resounding “Yes, we can!”

Here are some BamaBing! tips that will enhance your gameday experience and increase your chances of survival:

1. Avoid the term “Cow College.” They are sensitive about their agricultural heritage, for some reason. I never figured this one out, since every time you eat a truly great steak it’s probably the result of some Aubs doing freaky cross-breeding experiments in animal husbandry class. And they gave us the McLean Deluxe. Don’t forget that.

2. Be careful who you hang with. If this guy (left) is at your tailgate, nothing good can happen. You wouldn’t spearfish in shark-infested waters with a bloody red snapper clipped to your belt, would you? So don’t strike up a postgame conversation with a piss-drunk Bama sidewalk alum who wants to roll Toomer’s Corner. At best, you will get your ass beat. At worst, they will rip you apart and sling your entrails into the trees.

3. Don’t ask about the basketball arena. Yes, they are spending $100 million on a basketball gym with fewer seats than their old one (which was already one of the smallest in the SEC). This is so they won’t have to hang a curtain across half the place to hide the empty seats. Just let them keep building shit they can't afford, trying to catch up with us. This is how Ronald Reagan crushed the Soviet Union.

4. Don’t ask why there are so many Alabama fans at the game. Sensing another steady dose of The Process, Aubs are in all-out sell mode and finding limited domestic demand for their tickets. This has sent them en masse into the open market, where the buyers are largely of the Crimson variety. Aubs rationalize the economic situation thusly, “I can pay for my whole season ticket package by selling my tickets to Bammers.” The irony of this escapes them.

5. If you must engage… ask if Eltoro Freeman is named for a lawn mower.

6. Don’t count your championships. They really hate it when we do this.

7. Don’t ask why their season ticket hotline number is 1-800-AUB-1957. Just don’t.

8. Bad topics of conversation: Colonial Bank, Mr. Lowder, sociology, the world famous Kenny Irons interview, the Martyrdom of John "Stump" Thrower, Iowa State’s bowl eligibility, mobile homes as student housing, SACS accreditation, lingering ex-coach hush money payments, Rev. Chette’s tax status.

In summary, give the Aubs praise where it’s due. Comment on the pristine nature of their field – they are very proud of it. If you wish, feel free to read them this little poem I wrote in praise of Aubs:

I’m raising my glass

To the Auburn vet

Who stuck his finger

In my Labrador’s ass

And the Auburn grad

Who cuts my grass

And his lovely wife

Paroled at last.

I’m drinking a toast

To the Auburn farmer

Who grows the collards

I like the most

And strings barbed wire

From post to post

And his cousin Donnie

Who tends the goats.

I’m buying a round

For the Auburn men

Who raise the cattle

And plow the ground

And build the bridges

And cruise around

On John Deere tractors

And roll their own town.

War Damn Eagle

Bama 31 - MSU 3. Well, so much for the big "trap game"

Do you know why nobody ever really tries to stop those Mississippi State people from bringing their cowbells to the games? I think it's because nobody really cares.

Screamers wanted. Apply within.

Has there ever been a bigger football game at Bryant-Denny Stadium than Bama-LSU this weekend? If there has, I can't think of one. So what are you waiting for, Bama fans? Are you going to Tuscaloosa to simply watch? Or are you going there to play? Are you all talk, or are you a screamer? We need screamers Saturday.

The game Saturday is huge. These two teams will go at it like they are trying to get out of a burning building. This could be the hardest-hitting, hardest-fought game of the year - a battle to the death with the winner emerging on a clear path to the national semifinal in Atlanta, and the loser pretty much done for the season, hoping for a chain reaction of upsets but really playing for nothing.

Have you ever heard the old cliche, "Watch out for [insert loser nobody team*], they've got nothing to lose?" Well, Bama and LSU both have everything to lose Saturday. You don't have to be Nostradamus to predict that the winner will play Florida for the SEC championship, and the winner of that one gets to jet out to L.A. to play the Texas Longhorns for the Crystal Football. In the Rose Bowl.

Is Alabama ready? Hell, yeah.

This is what it's all about, Bama fans. This is the situation we dream about and beat our chests over. This is what Auburn fans don't get, and it bothers the hell out of them that they don't get it. These LSU boys, though, they understand. And they want it as bad as our guys do. This is going to be a war.

So here's what I want you to do: First, leave the kids at home. There will be plenty of cheap tickets for the UT-Chattanooga game and the little darlings can get their picture taken with Big Al then. Bring somebody hard core, like you. Go ahead and have some drinks before the game. Visit with your old friends at the frat house, ask how their kids are doing, stop by a few quad parties. But when gametime comes, and LSU has the ball I want you to be ready to make noise. Don't stop. Be relentless. Scream.

Don't wait for LSU to break the huddle and then start making noise -- make noise while they're in the huddle. Remember, they are trying to call a play in there and the intended purpose of that play is to beat our ass. So don't make it easy on them. Scream.

When they come to the line, make more noise. Bama's defense is going to be moving around a good bit, creating doubt, confusion and dread, and #25 is gonna look like Peyton Manning out there, telling everybody to show this look, that look (or is it?) shift over here, no, there. Then #28 might creep up a couple of steps and Whatshisname, their dog-ass QB, won't know whether to shit or go blind (gratuitous Brandon Spikes reference) and the play clock winds down to :05, :04, :03 and it's so loud in there it's like standing behind a jet airplane, only that's us, a shitload of Bama fans foaming at the mouth from the mere aroma of title #13. And if Whatshisname doesn't have the good sense to call time out, or if the center doesn't snap it over his head or if they don't get a delay of game penalty, then BY GOD WE FAILED and we will have to be even louder on the next  play.

This ain't rocket science, folks. LOUD disrupts their ability to communicate. LOUD makes it harder for them to win. Loud makes their quarterback use hand signals on the field and guess what? THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH ONLY HAS TWO HANDS!!!  Rolando McLain will figure that hand signal shit out in, like, five plays. But only if it's TOO LOUD in there for anybody to hear. LOUD may even provide some added motivation for our defense, I don't know. But anyway, when LSU has the ball, HOLLER LIKE YOU'RE IN A HOLLERING CONTEST AND FIRST PRIZE IS A TRIP TO PASADENA-BY-GOD-CALIFORNIA.

Next thing. When Bama has the ball, hush. GMac is trying to call plays and aubibles and we want him to be able to use words and numbers in the huddle and at the line. As anybody can tell you, when you can use words and numbers to call plays, the permutations and combinations approach infinity. Only Vanderbilt could figure it out. But I digress. The intended purpose of every one of our offensive plays is to beat LSU's ass. Be sure our guys can hear the snap count and hear the play call so they'll know which dog-ass bengal tiger to dominate next.

I am so glad Bama is back to the level where these types of games are played. So Saturday, don't talk about it... do it. I don't want a single one of you to leave Bryant-Denny with a voice. When you get to your victory party, you'd better have to communicate with the bartender using hand signals.

* Go ahead & insert Auburn.

Steve Spurrier - Evil Genius or Whining Asshole Crybaby?

Dear Steve,

You've always been a lovable asshole, until today.

I thought the "Free Shoes University" and "Can't spell Citrus without U & T" comments were great. Arrogant but witty. Spoken from a position of strength, maybe even dominance. When you were at the top of your profession, you could gig your peers. If you're that good, you don't have to worry too much about getting gigged back.

We all heard that when Florida AD Jeremy Foley indicated you hadn't submitted a resume the last time the Gators job came open, your comment was "My resume is in the trophy case." Or something like that. Truth or SEC legend, that's vintage Steve Superior. If I had a Heisman on the mantel, a national championship ring, a 3 handicap and was whipping ass every Saturday I'd be a little cocksure myself. 

A long time ago, you could give Bobby Bowden and Phil Fulmer a shot or two and get away with it. Now, you're about to join them on the irrelevant pile.

Getting your ass handed to you in the NFL for a couple of years must have cost you a little self-esteem. Then you got back in the college game but couldn't elevate the perennially "okay" South Carolina program anywhere above "okay." I cringed a couple of weeks ago when you compared your win against the overrated julep-drinkers from Ole Miss to your other big upset win against a ranked team --the then-overrated julep-drinkers from Kentucky. That was back in 2007. Or was it? Who cares? 

So now the Evil Genius has determined that Alabama cheated its way to victory Saturday. It seems the holder on place kicks put a "piece of tape" or something on the field to mark the spot where Leigh Tiffin was going to kick from. According to the rulebook this is a no-no and the officials could have assessed a five-yard penalty and made Tiffin kick from waaaaayyy back there -- like, from 30 yards.

Marking the spot is a penalty. STEVE! SO IS HOLDING, YOU WHINING PUSSY! If the officials had called holding every time #66 tackled Marcel Dareus, the damn game wouldn't even be over yet. And if #66 hadn't held on every passing down your quarterback, Whatshisname, would be dead now. 

What do you propose we call this tape infraction? Illegal Spotting? Unnecessary Use of a Foreign Object? (that sounds like something the Iron Sheik would pull out on Dusty Rhodes -- right when the stupid ref wasn't looking). Tell you what, Steve-O, we'll assume all of Tiffin's field goals and extra points this season were ill-gotten and forfeit all of 'em. Bama would still be undefeated, and would have beaten the arguably above-average Gamecocks 12-6. Hell, take away Tiffin's 5 field goals and a PAT against Ole Miss and Bama still beats the Johnny Reb-come-latelies 6-3. 

But enough about the biggest tape scandal since Nixon.

I thought you were showing the old smarts the first time your QB, Whatshisname (I can't even remember his number), overthrew your big receiver, #1 (I can't remember his name) on the fade route, then went right back at Marquis Johnson on the next play. The third time, I kinda said "hmmm." The sixth time I said, "What a dumbass."

Two things, Steve: (1) That's not Danny Wuerfel attacking Bama's weakest link, and (2) Bama's weakest link is not so weak anymore. That shit worked against Bama in the 90s, man.

Steve, we liked you better when you accused us of buying players.  

Best regards,

Bidgood Bob

p.s.: Maybe this one can throw the fade: