Advice for your trip to Tuscaloosa

George Bernard Shaw, the great Irish dramatist and purported socialist, once said “England and America are two countries separated by a common language.” I always liked the quote, as much for its economy of words as its message. Being a fraction Irish myself, and 100% Southern, I fully understand being misunderstood and often ponder why people sharing the same language and lineage, who reside within common borders and even in the same neighborhoods, choose to turn against one another for no apparent reason. 

Take Auburn University and its fans, for example. Yes, we Alabama fans share a form of the same language. We grudgingly share a state with them. We went to high school with them, share zip codes, go to church together and sometimes, out of some sense of noblesse oblige, even let our children play with theirs. Outside.

But Friday they will be strangers in a strange land -- our land, not theirs. They will be outnumbered and outgunned, hoping to leave Friday evening victorious and elated, but injury-free and with fully inflated tires on their pickup trucks. We have to ask ourselves the question, like noted American social icon Rodney King did, “Can we all get along?” And since I’m quoting social icons and purported socialists today, the answer is a resounding, “Yes, we can!”

Here are some Bidgood Bob tips for Alabama fans that want to be good hosts. Following these suggestions will enhance your gameday experience and reduce the likelihood of unnecessary bloodshed:

1. Avoid the term “Cow College.” Auburn folks are sensitive about their agricultural heritage, for some reason. I never figured this one out, since every time you eat a truly great steak it’s probably the result of some smart people doing freaky crossbreeding experiments in the animal husbandry lab. And they gave us the McLean Deluxe. Don’t forget that.

2. Don’t ask about the basketball arena. Yes, they spent almost $100 million on a gym with fewer seats than their old one. This was so they won’t have to hang a curtain across half the place to hide the empty seats. Bama fans: just be quiet about this and let Auburn keep building shit they can't afford. This is how Ronald Reagan crushed the Soviet Union.

3. Don’t count your championships. They really hate it when we do this.

4. Don’t ask why their season ticket hotline number is 1-800-AUB-1957. Just don’t.

5. Bad topics of conversation: Here is a good rule of thumb: avoid bringing up anything that starts with the letter “C.” Topics like Cam, Cecil, Chizik, Colonial Bank, Chette, churches, computers, cheating, Committee on Infractions, etc. can get them pretty riled up. 

In summary, give Auburn fans praise where it’s due. Find common ground! Together these great universities have been on NCAA probation more times than anyone! Neither athletic program has ever gotten the death penalty!

Both institutions are consistently ranked in the mid-40s in U.S. News and World Report’s rankings of state-supported universities! And there are fifty states!

Survival tips for Auburn fans traveling to Tuscaloosa:

Many Auburn fans will be making their first trip to Tuscaloosa on Friday. To maximize your enjoyment on the road to the national championship, remember the following:

Know how to spot trouble. For example, if you’re approached by a tattooed 300-pound dude with a mullet haircut, a goatee and a beer gut out to here, and he’s wearing one of those authentic Wal-Mart ‘Bama jerseys (you know, the ones with the gray and white stripes on the sleeves), he is probably not coming to wish you good luck against the Gamecocks. Dude probably owns real gamecocks. Run.

Wolves in sheep's Brooks Brothers clothing. If you see a group of harmless-looking young men in sport coats, button-down shirts and ties, BEWARE. They are Bama fraternity pledges. They travel in packs and, like the famed Ghurka warriors trained by the British East India Company, newboys are fierce fighters who will blindly follow any order, however outrageous. They also drink too much. 

Blasphemy on hallowed ground is dealt with harshly. Should Auburn win the game you can get away with pretty much anything, but stay away from the statues, especially the Bryant Statue. Two Auburn students were apprehended Sunday night taping a Cam Newton #2 jersey to the Bryant Statue. Big mistake.

Infidels.

The vandals are presently in the hands of the diabolical Bryant Museum staff, where they are undergoing behavior modification therapy. Their indoctrination will teach them the ways of ancestor worship, self-congratulation for past glory and the inevitability of future domination. 

NO! Not the bloody fooking KICK again!!!

Like Alex from A Clockwork Orange, they are strapped down, eyelids taped open, in front of giant video screens showing images of Wade, Thomas, Bryant, Stallings and Saban, all with Sweet Home Alabama blasting over and over and over…

They will be ‘Bama fans by Friday.