Bidgood Bob Has to Eat

Since Alabama and Auburn are both off this weekend (Alabama’s “game” tonight doesn’t count), and next week is apt to get pretty testy, I decided this week’s column should be about something the Aubs and Bammers can all agree on… food. 

The internationally-recognized
Lunch in the Gump logo

As some of you may be aware, in my day job I am Chief Executive Officer of a multinational conglomerate known worldwide as Lunch in the Gump. At LITG, we are working on solutions to global warming, peace in the Middle East, stemming the foreclosure crisis and ending our country’s reliance on foreign oil. We are bigger than Colonial Bank.


And when we’re not solving the world’s problems, we like to have lunch. Oh, we do love our lunch. Sometimes we even write about the experiences, and you can find these “reviews” at www.lunchinthegump.com.  


Mind you, at LITG we are not food critics. We are just average folks from Montgomery, Alabama, AKA “The Gump.” We are Aubs and Bammers united in the pursuit of good eats and friendly conversation in locally-owned joints.  

Dreamland - A Gump-worthy
Alabama-based chain.

We like our vegetables fresh and our burgers greasy. And we do not suffer chains lightly. To qualify for our patronage, to be Gump-worthy, as we say, a chain restaurant must (a) be good, and (b) have its origins in Alabama. For example, we have no problem recommending Dreamland or Baumhower’s, but we’ve expelled members for eating at Moe’s.


Now, don’t misunderstand… there’s certainly nothing wrong with Moe’s. The place is just not Gump-worthy. When the employees holler “Welcome to Moe’s!”  on your arrival, they’re not doing it because they’re happy to see you. They’re doing it because the franchise manual says they have to. We hate stuff like that.


At Hamburger King, they are happy to see you too, but they don’t all yell “Welcome to Hamburger King!” when you walk in the door because they are too busy constructing the most impossibly perfect greasy burger you will ever put in your mouth. Yes, eating one will shorten your life span but what the hell; it will also cure a hangover. So have two.


Take a ride down to Dexter Avenue to Chris’ Hot Dogs if you want something truly extraordinary. Last April Fool’s Day we posted on the blog that Chris’ was calling it quits after 93 years in business. Our simple prank caused civil unrest, rioting and panic-buying of Chris’ Dogs. 


Only in Montgomery can you savor the excellence of the fully pimped-out hamburger steak at Sundown East. We call it the “Beast.”  There is a dish at the Green Papaya that I can neither spell nor pronounce but it’s unbelievably good and will take care of that congestion problem you’ve been having.


Want to see what happens when a Quizno’s goes out of business and the only thing they leave behind is that little roaster oven with the conveyor belt? Then go to Wishbone Café way out in East Gump. They are using that little conveyor roaster to churn out some of the best Cajun/Creole dishes this side of Canal Street. 


There are just too many good joints to list. El Cantaro over on Ann Street es muy, muy bueno.  If I were judging a cornbread contest between the Davis Café and Martin’s, it would end in a tie, probably after several overtimes. 

If you like fried chicken (and who doesn’t?) you ought to try the pulleybones at Eastbrook Café. Just don’t use the “pulleybone method” to decide who is paying the check. Governor Riley might decide that you’re gambling and next thing you know you’ll have troopers all over your ass. I saw the Guv in there once. “Well, well, well,” he said, “Looks like we got ourselves some illegal gamblin’ chicken here.”

Actual photo of the Guv making the deal
with Chief Pascagoula from Mississippi.

Sometimes when LITG is in the midst of disentangling a particularly thorny international crisis we send one of our junior executives over to the Scott Street Grocery & Deli for takeout. The subs there are really good and they are also approximately the size of Nerf footballs.  


Now, if you don’t read anything else in this column here are two words: Stockyard Café. It’s up in the North Gump somewhere but whatever you do, find it. Here is an excerpt from the LITG review that sums it up nicely:


“A hoity-toity, mamby-pamby restaurant reviewer might note sarcastically that nothing says ambiance like the lack of ventilation, second-hand cafeteria trays and misspelled, handwritten signage. Not so fast, my friend. This place oozes grease and confidence like their patrons. They even give away raw onions and peppers to those who don't care how they smell from either end.”


Derk’s Filet & Vine, Down the Street, Sinclair’s, El Rey, Lek’s Railroad Thai, Lunde’s, Farmer’s Market, the Wagon Wheel, Corsino’s, Cook Ma’s, Shashy’s… there are simply too many good lunch places to list them all. If your favorite got left out, let me know.


It’s almost incomprehensible that you can buy this stuff right here in your very own Gump. You don’t have to go to Paris or Rome, or even Atlanta. Just hop in the car and chow! 


LITG would also like your opinion. Through the end of the month we are soliciting readers’ input on their favorite lunch places. Go to www.lunchinthegump.com to participate.


Like we say at Lunch in the Gump World Headquarters, “Think global, but eat local.”