Advice for your trip to Tuscaloosa

George Bernard Shaw, the great Irish dramatist and purported socialist, once said “England and America are two countries separated by a common language.” I always liked the quote, as much for its economy of words as its message. Being a fraction Irish myself, and 100% Southern, I fully understand being misunderstood and often ponder why people sharing the same language and lineage, who reside within common borders and even in the same neighborhoods, choose to turn against one another for no apparent reason. 

Take Auburn University and its fans, for example. Yes, we Alabama fans share a form of the same language. We grudgingly share a state with them. We went to high school with them, share zip codes, go to church together and sometimes, out of some sense of noblesse oblige, even let our children play with theirs. Outside.

But Friday they will be strangers in a strange land -- our land, not theirs. They will be outnumbered and outgunned, hoping to leave Friday evening victorious and elated, but injury-free and with fully inflated tires on their pickup trucks. We have to ask ourselves the question, like noted American social icon Rodney King did, “Can we all get along?” And since I’m quoting social icons and purported socialists today, the answer is a resounding, “Yes, we can!”

Here are some Bidgood Bob tips for Alabama fans that want to be good hosts. Following these suggestions will enhance your gameday experience and reduce the likelihood of unnecessary bloodshed:

1. Avoid the term “Cow College.” Auburn folks are sensitive about their agricultural heritage, for some reason. I never figured this one out, since every time you eat a truly great steak it’s probably the result of some smart people doing freaky crossbreeding experiments in the animal husbandry lab. And they gave us the McLean Deluxe. Don’t forget that.

2. Don’t ask about the basketball arena. Yes, they spent almost $100 million on a gym with fewer seats than their old one. This was so they won’t have to hang a curtain across half the place to hide the empty seats. Bama fans: just be quiet about this and let Auburn keep building shit they can't afford. This is how Ronald Reagan crushed the Soviet Union.

3. Don’t count your championships. They really hate it when we do this.

4. Don’t ask why their season ticket hotline number is 1-800-AUB-1957. Just don’t.

5. Bad topics of conversation: Here is a good rule of thumb: avoid bringing up anything that starts with the letter “C.” Topics like Cam, Cecil, Chizik, Colonial Bank, Chette, churches, computers, cheating, Committee on Infractions, etc. can get them pretty riled up. 

In summary, give Auburn fans praise where it’s due. Find common ground! Together these great universities have been on NCAA probation more times than anyone! Neither athletic program has ever gotten the death penalty!

Both institutions are consistently ranked in the mid-40s in U.S. News and World Report’s rankings of state-supported universities! And there are fifty states!

Survival tips for Auburn fans traveling to Tuscaloosa:

Many Auburn fans will be making their first trip to Tuscaloosa on Friday. To maximize your enjoyment on the road to the national championship, remember the following:

Know how to spot trouble. For example, if you’re approached by a tattooed 300-pound dude with a mullet haircut, a goatee and a beer gut out to here, and he’s wearing one of those authentic Wal-Mart ‘Bama jerseys (you know, the ones with the gray and white stripes on the sleeves), he is probably not coming to wish you good luck against the Gamecocks. Dude probably owns real gamecocks. Run.

Wolves in sheep's Brooks Brothers clothing. If you see a group of harmless-looking young men in sport coats, button-down shirts and ties, BEWARE. They are Bama fraternity pledges. They travel in packs and, like the famed Ghurka warriors trained by the British East India Company, newboys are fierce fighters who will blindly follow any order, however outrageous. They also drink too much. 

Blasphemy on hallowed ground is dealt with harshly. Should Auburn win the game you can get away with pretty much anything, but stay away from the statues, especially the Bryant Statue. Two Auburn students were apprehended Sunday night taping a Cam Newton #2 jersey to the Bryant Statue. Big mistake.

Infidels.

The vandals are presently in the hands of the diabolical Bryant Museum staff, where they are undergoing behavior modification therapy. Their indoctrination will teach them the ways of ancestor worship, self-congratulation for past glory and the inevitability of future domination. 

NO! Not the bloody fooking KICK again!!!

Like Alex from A Clockwork Orange, they are strapped down, eyelids taped open, in front of giant video screens showing images of Wade, Thomas, Bryant, Stallings and Saban, all with Sweet Home Alabama blasting over and over and over…

They will be ‘Bama fans by Friday.

Bidgood Bob Has to Eat

Since Alabama and Auburn are both off this weekend (Alabama’s “game” tonight doesn’t count), and next week is apt to get pretty testy, I decided this week’s column should be about something the Aubs and Bammers can all agree on… food. 

The internationally-recognized
Lunch in the Gump logo

As some of you may be aware, in my day job I am Chief Executive Officer of a multinational conglomerate known worldwide as Lunch in the Gump. At LITG, we are working on solutions to global warming, peace in the Middle East, stemming the foreclosure crisis and ending our country’s reliance on foreign oil. We are bigger than Colonial Bank.


And when we’re not solving the world’s problems, we like to have lunch. Oh, we do love our lunch. Sometimes we even write about the experiences, and you can find these “reviews” at www.lunchinthegump.com.  


Mind you, at LITG we are not food critics. We are just average folks from Montgomery, Alabama, AKA “The Gump.” We are Aubs and Bammers united in the pursuit of good eats and friendly conversation in locally-owned joints.  

Dreamland - A Gump-worthy
Alabama-based chain.

We like our vegetables fresh and our burgers greasy. And we do not suffer chains lightly. To qualify for our patronage, to be Gump-worthy, as we say, a chain restaurant must (a) be good, and (b) have its origins in Alabama. For example, we have no problem recommending Dreamland or Baumhower’s, but we’ve expelled members for eating at Moe’s.


Now, don’t misunderstand… there’s certainly nothing wrong with Moe’s. The place is just not Gump-worthy. When the employees holler “Welcome to Moe’s!”  on your arrival, they’re not doing it because they’re happy to see you. They’re doing it because the franchise manual says they have to. We hate stuff like that.


At Hamburger King, they are happy to see you too, but they don’t all yell “Welcome to Hamburger King!” when you walk in the door because they are too busy constructing the most impossibly perfect greasy burger you will ever put in your mouth. Yes, eating one will shorten your life span but what the hell; it will also cure a hangover. So have two.


Take a ride down to Dexter Avenue to Chris’ Hot Dogs if you want something truly extraordinary. Last April Fool’s Day we posted on the blog that Chris’ was calling it quits after 93 years in business. Our simple prank caused civil unrest, rioting and panic-buying of Chris’ Dogs. 


Only in Montgomery can you savor the excellence of the fully pimped-out hamburger steak at Sundown East. We call it the “Beast.”  There is a dish at the Green Papaya that I can neither spell nor pronounce but it’s unbelievably good and will take care of that congestion problem you’ve been having.


Want to see what happens when a Quizno’s goes out of business and the only thing they leave behind is that little roaster oven with the conveyor belt? Then go to Wishbone Café way out in East Gump. They are using that little conveyor roaster to churn out some of the best Cajun/Creole dishes this side of Canal Street. 


There are just too many good joints to list. El Cantaro over on Ann Street es muy, muy bueno.  If I were judging a cornbread contest between the Davis Café and Martin’s, it would end in a tie, probably after several overtimes. 

If you like fried chicken (and who doesn’t?) you ought to try the pulleybones at Eastbrook Café. Just don’t use the “pulleybone method” to decide who is paying the check. Governor Riley might decide that you’re gambling and next thing you know you’ll have troopers all over your ass. I saw the Guv in there once. “Well, well, well,” he said, “Looks like we got ourselves some illegal gamblin’ chicken here.”

Actual photo of the Guv making the deal
with Chief Pascagoula from Mississippi.

Sometimes when LITG is in the midst of disentangling a particularly thorny international crisis we send one of our junior executives over to the Scott Street Grocery & Deli for takeout. The subs there are really good and they are also approximately the size of Nerf footballs.  


Now, if you don’t read anything else in this column here are two words: Stockyard Café. It’s up in the North Gump somewhere but whatever you do, find it. Here is an excerpt from the LITG review that sums it up nicely:


“A hoity-toity, mamby-pamby restaurant reviewer might note sarcastically that nothing says ambiance like the lack of ventilation, second-hand cafeteria trays and misspelled, handwritten signage. Not so fast, my friend. This place oozes grease and confidence like their patrons. They even give away raw onions and peppers to those who don't care how they smell from either end.”


Derk’s Filet & Vine, Down the Street, Sinclair’s, El Rey, Lek’s Railroad Thai, Lunde’s, Farmer’s Market, the Wagon Wheel, Corsino’s, Cook Ma’s, Shashy’s… there are simply too many good lunch places to list them all. If your favorite got left out, let me know.


It’s almost incomprehensible that you can buy this stuff right here in your very own Gump. You don’t have to go to Paris or Rome, or even Atlanta. Just hop in the car and chow! 


LITG would also like your opinion. Through the end of the month we are soliciting readers’ input on their favorite lunch places. Go to www.lunchinthegump.com to participate.


Like we say at Lunch in the Gump World Headquarters, “Think global, but eat local.”

Humility and Sportsmanship? Read On.

I Googled "dejected bama fan" and
this is what I got. Fitting.

We are Alabama fans lost in the wilderness. Here we sit, out of the picture, languishing with a 31-2 regular season record over the last three years, yet irrelevant, unloved and threatened.


Just what am I supposed to do with the non-refundable airline tickets to Phoenix I bought after the Florida game?  What about the deposit I sent to hold a reservation at the Scottsdale Princess? What about my dignity? Will they give that back?


Oh, Lord, to be an Ole Miss fan.


They have miles and miles of ancient, moss-draped oak trees surrounding a town square unblemished by the crudity of chain stores and fast food, where you can get an honest drink in one joint and a real milk shake in the next. Where you can browse a great bookstore that sits in unassuming testament to a century of impossibly bountiful literary heritage. To stroll a picturesque old campus with diamond-dazzling debutantes who swarm the Grove like fine-looking doves to a baited field. 

Colonel Reb didn't care who won...
he was only there for the hot chicks and booze.

Oxford, Mississippi would be the embodiment of Sir Thomas More’s Utopia, if only they had a decent football program. But here’s the thing – Ole Miss people don’t care.  They don’t have to win the national championship every year to be happy. I want to be like them.


They have two Mannings and nothing more, unless you count some guy named Frank “Bruiser” Kinard, who played tackle at Ole Miss in the 1930s, I guess before the place was referred to as “Ole.” Bruiser played professional football for the New York Yankees and the Brooklyn Dodgers. Nope, that’s not a typo.


I googled the Ole Miss 1890-1992 “Team of the Century” and I had only heard of two players on there – Archie Manning, of course, and Billy Brewer, who, as Rebels coach, was best known for his loose interpretation of NCAA rules.


Ole Miss fans are perfectly happy with all of this, so I want to be like them.  In fact, I am hereby losing this unhealthy obsession with winning all the time. I dream of the day when my beloved Crimson Tide can fight hard, keep the score respectable and then all of us Bama fans can be good sports about it.


Then I can stand at my tailgate, with a welcoming smile on my face, and tell the opposing fans, as they pass, “Hey, great game. Y’all played great. Good luck the rest of the season. How about a beer?”


Who am I Kidding?


Only halfway through this column and I am about to puke my guts up. Become like an Ole Miss fan? Be gracious in defeat and magnanimous in the occasional victory? Not Bidgood Bob. Not on your life. Strike me dead and take away my lucky houndstooth boxer shorts before that happens.


It’s Thursday and I’m getting my mojo back.


LSU fans, you drunken swamp trash, see you all in Tuscaloosa next year. And as for that “Tigah Bait” cheer, how about learning to pronounce your “r’s” okay? 


And what about you Tennessee types? Listen up, hillbillies... that thing you dry off with after your weekly shower is called a “towel.” It’s not a “towl.” It's a two-syllable word with an “e” in it. Got that? Now go back to feuding with the McCoys.


You julep drinkers from Ole Miss and Kentucky are also-rans we keep on the schedule to keep us bowl-eligible, rest our starters and pad our stats. Thanks for that, although every time I’ve been to Lexington or Oxford you have all been so nice. You make me puke.


And you Gamecocks, with your banty rooster mascot that glorifies illegal hick brutality, enjoy this while you can, losers (but beat Auburn).


Razorbacks? Not-so-sharp yokels, I say. 


Georgia? I hope UGA VIII gets the mange this weekend over in Auburn.
And it seems the wishy-washy Urban Meyer down at Florida isn’t such a genius any more without the squalling brat Tebow. Chomp this. Wish you’d stayed retired now, don’t you Urb?


Mississippi State, you’re next. Bring your stupid cowbells, see if we care.
Auburn? They’ll keep for another column. Let’s see how this whole Newton thing goes.


Oh, you Vanderbilt poindexters can kiss my crimson ass, too.


Thanks, I feel better now. If I offended anybody with this, I DON'T CARE!!

BCS Poker on ESPN - A Rigged Game

ESPN, the self-proclaimed “Worldwide Leader in Sports,” is playing college football like a game of Texas Hold ‘Em.

Huh? College football media coverage is like poker? Have I lost my mind and gone to drinking on deadline? Again?

A good player knows the winning hand is not always the best hand at the table... you drag a pot because everybody thinks you have the best hand. Sometimes you have to make the guy with the best cards throw his hand away. 

Other times you get dealt unbeatable cards, the “Nuts” as they’re called. Anybody can win with the Nuts, but a good player doesn't just win the hand. A good one lures you in, making you think you’ve got the best cards right up to the moment the trap is sprung and your chips are gone.

Because there’s no playoff system, ESPN can play poker with college football, and they are playing it very well. They say when you look around the table and can’t spot the sucker – you’re it. Well, college football fans, ESPN has made us the suckers. If the BCS can’t get the two best teams into the championship game, then ESPN will make you think the two best teams are there.

Case in point, FOX Sports chose to play a mindless game of roulette by spending untold millions for broadcast rights to the World Series, without any idea who would be playing or if anybody would tune in to watch. Because there is a playoff system, the wheel was spun and it came up Giants vs. Rangers -- horror of horrors if you're FOX. Saturday night’s Game 3 had the second-lowest TV ratings in history. Sunday night’s Game 4 was beaten by a regular season NFL game. And there wasn’t a damn thing FOX could do about it. FOX gambled and lost, just like brainless saps who play roulette (or electronic bingo).

No way ESPN lets this happen in college football. Their talking heads remain in lockstep, telling pollsters how to vote, telling us which teams are good and which are overrated, who to watch, hyping this team and poo-pooing the other, all to maximize ratings for their games, including the big one January 10 in Glendale, Arizona, live on ESPN. 

Everybody hopes for the Clash of the Titans. But what if it turns out to be a dud? What if the SEC teams beat each other up? What if Michigan and Penn State stink? What if USC is on probation? Well, ESPN already figured out a strategy for playing this crappy hand. They call this strategy “BCS Busters.”

Boise is good because Herbstreit says they are.

The more Kirk Herbstreit told us how really good Boise State was, the more people believed him. Boise and the other BCS Busters were played as ESPN’s hedge against the possibility that the big boys might all have a loss or two. The network has created its own fallback position, a guaranteed unbeaten team worthy of respect and high ratings. Why? Because Herbstreit told us so – certainly not because of anything these lightweights have done on a ridiculous blue field. 

ESPN expertly built Boise and the Busters, running the Respect Machine wide open in case any of the big boys stumbled. When Alabama fell, followed by Ohio State and then Oklahoma, it didn’t matter because ESPN had the Busters as hole cards, just in case.

But as the season moved on, more cards were revealed. ESPN is now eyeing the Nuts – a matchup unbeatable in the ratings – the mother of all shootouts pitting the explosive Oregon Ducks vs. the equally explosive Auburn Tigers, led by Heisman winner Cameron Newton and his Wheaties-box smile. 

There is this one tiny problem for ESPN, though. The BCS Busters won’t lose. What is to be done with the faux monsters they’ve created? Kenny Rogers says you’ve got to know when to fold ‘em. So ESPN is dumping the Busters like a medium-high pair against a flop full of suited overcards.

Sorry about the gratuitous use of poker jargon.

The first move occurred last Tuesday night when Boise played fellow WAC powerhouse Louisiana Tech on the aforementioned ridiculous blue field. Here is the #2 or #3 team in the polls, hyped for years by ESPN as deserving of “respect,” playing the only football game in the country during prime time. Where does ESPN air the game? Surely on ESPN! 

Nope, Boise played on ESPN2 (known to most as The Deuce but known to my readers as the Skateboarding and Texas Hold ‘Em Channel). What was aired on ESPN, the Mothership? Why, a poker tournament, of course. Check it yourself. For once I didn’t make this up. Respect, my ass.

Alabama vs. Auburn... ESPN is all in.

Having folded the BCS Busters, ESPN is now playing its final hole card – the Alabama Crimson Tide. Faced with the prospect of an Oregon - Boise BCS Championship (the horror) ESPN is now making the case that the road to Glendale, Arizona goes straight through Tuscaloosa, Alabama. 

Listen to them. “If Oregon and Auburn win out, they’re definitely playing for the championship, but if Alabama beats Auburn, the Tide is in.” What they are really saying is, “You need to stop voting for Boise and the Busters! We can’t let Boise in because nobody will watch the game, much less the month of hype preceding it.” 

Of course, ESPN isn’t holding the Nuts just yet and there are still cards in the deck. What if Oregon St. beats Oregon, Georgia beats Auburn, Auburn beats Alabama, then South Carolina gets revenge on Auburn?

Boise vs. TCU for the Crystal Football? I'd rather watch poker.