Here's what I've got

This blog is mostly stories and observations from Alabama. Since I first realized that The Man runs everything (and that I am not The Man), I quit trying to figure it all out and now I just try to find the humor in things. What better place for that than Alabama? You might not think anything on here is even remotely amusing, particularly if you're not from around here, but a good friend advised me to write this for me, not you. No offense.

I've been living here for a long time, so that's why they're Alabama stories. If one of my stories didn't happen in Alabama then it's probably about some dumbass from Alabama who went somewhere else, and everything went horribly wrong.

If you are a struggling Hollywood screenwriter and want to use some of these stories to win fame, fortune and an Oscar, then knock yourself out. I was rich once and my life wasn't any better than it is now. Also, once you get rich you won't be able to write for shit.

Here's what I'm going to write about:

People in Alabama. This state is home to some of the most entertaining storytellers, dumbest rednecks, crookedest politicians, greediest scumbags, richest ne'er-do-wells, craftiest lawyers, drunkest drunks, craziest town idiots, best musicians, sleaziest dickheads, meanest bitches and greatest sumbitches I ever knew. Some are alive, some are dead and some I've made up. Here is where I write about them.

The recession. They say it's over. Well, they're full of shit. I've got some stories about the recession, some firsthand, others I just heard about. Sometimes I wonder about people who don't really know how to do anything -- like, how in the hell are they going to come out of all this? What are these folks going to do when it's over, and nobody hires them back because we figured out ways to do without them?

Amusing but true. Like when the cop in Prichard saw an old homeless dude pulling thirty feet of chain down Bay Bridge Road and the cop yelled, "Hey! What you doing pullin' that chain?" And the old guy answered, "What the fuck you want me to do? Push it?"

Public corruption. I have seen it with my own two eyes. There are a lot of hands out. I'm afraid I won't be able to keep this blog anonymous enough to name names. That's a shame. Some of the stories are worth telling, though. There are some big ol' brass balls out there.

Politics. I am in favor of humane executions, so I guess in Alabama that makes me a lefty.

The University of Alabama. I'm a third generation graduate and my daughter will soon make it four. It's one of the few institutions I believe in, for the most part. The education was probably as good as most places. I came out with some better-than-average social skills and can hold my liquor with anybody. My knowledge of Crimson Tide football is encyclopedic. If it's raining outside, I like to sit in my house and count my national championships. It's weird, every time I count them I keep coming up with a different number.

Parenthood. This is a tough subject. I think I've been a pretty good dad based on the outcome. Or maybe I was just lucky, who knows. The story about being pestered into giving up cigarettes is funny as hell, however. I can't wait to get it down on paper, or on the blog (in the blog?). Whatever this damn thing is.

Food. Son of a bitch, I love food. I write on another blog about food. I should link that, I guess.

Religion. I am a Bryantologist. We don't hate gay people or liberals, we just hate Aubs. There will be a big blog post on this, and I am sure my Aub brethren will take issue with some of the teachings of Bryantology, but let me assure you, a hardcore Bryantologist is harder to argue with than a hardcore creationist or an Atlanta lawyer.

PhotoShop. Don't piss me off. I will have a picture of you buggering a goat on the internet in 10 minutes.

More later.

Context-free comments for future Verne & Gary Shows

Re: CBS broadcast, Bama-Arkansas (Sept. 26) - I'm willing to give Verne Lundquist the benefit of the doubt when he blurted, apropos of nothing, after a Mark Ingram carry, "His father is incarcerated."

Let's assume Verne was planning to put that comment into some sort of context, a la Adrian Peterson at Oklahoma a few years ago, and cut the old guy some slack. On the other hand, if the sole intention was to make a context-free statement of fact, here are some others they can use on future Verne & Gary shows:

Gary: "That was a great call by Coach Kiffin."

Verne: "Kiffin's wife. Now there's a babe."

Gary: "What a tackle by Rennie Curran!"

Verne: "His West African relatives live in squalor."

Gary: "Nice job of pushing the pocket by Jerrell Powe."

Verne: "He barely got into school."

Gary: "Tim Tebow is an amazing leader."

Verne: "Bob Tebow, head of Bob Tebow Ministries, is a member of the posh Timuquana Country Club."

Gary: "Great downfield block by Tommy Trott."

Verne: "His father is a successful optometrist."

Gary: "Alabama has some big holes to fill on the offensive line."

Verne: "Andre Smith has gigantic boobs."

As for Verne's sidekick, the very capable Gary Danielson, I have but one request -- once, just once, react to a big Bama play with something other than a vocal wince. I swear, Gary, every time the Crimson Tide intercepts a pass it's like somebody dropped a canned ham on your toe.

Just back from a posting in the Middle East

I've been gone awhile and I'm new to blogging. I thought I'd share some of the impressions I got from a recent posting to the Middle East.

Folks, things are bad over there. You walk the streets, you really get a sense of the hopelessness of the region. Substandard housing, poor educational facilities, a low literacy rate... these people are not intellectually equipped to believe anything other than the propaganda their leaders spew.

They truly hate us. I think they are jealous of our lifestyle, our affluence, our many advantages. They have a keen resentment of our arrogance, but, in spite of their frequent demonstrations of defiance and our own  setbacks in the court of public opinion, I believe they truly fear us.

Well, anyway. It'll be a cold day in hell the next time old Bidgood Bob sets foot in the Middle Eastern part of Alabama again, particularly in Lee County. You can bet your sweet ass on that.




Thanks to BlackWarrior, Tider Insider poster, circa 2004. I have always liked this one and swore if I ever had a blog, this one would be the first post.