Bye Week: Cleaning out the Mail Bag

Visitors' section - Neyland Stadium

Bama 41, Vols 10. Thankfully Bama made it to the bye week with just the one hiccup, and now the battle-scarred, road-tested Crimson Tide can heal up for the trip to Cajun Country next weekend. The Traveling Circus didn’t make it to Knoxville for the 41-10 spanking of the Vols because we didn’t want to sit in any of the 600 or so seats that UT officials “found” during the offseason so Neyland Stadium could remain the largest in the SEC.

Folks, I have been to that place many times. There’s not a more beautiful setting, what with the Great Smoky Mountains, autumn leaves, the Tennessee River and all that, but if they paint those visitor seats any skinnier, a bunch of miniature French poodles won’t be able to sit down in there, at least not all at the same time.

On to the mail bag... Since there’s a lull for Bama fans this week, I’ve decided to share a few samples from the Bidgood Bob mailbag, beginning with a very touching letter I recently received from a friend just back from the Middle East:

Impressions from the Middle East

Dear Bob:

I thought I'd share some of the impressions I got from my recent posting to the Middle East. Man, things are bad over there. You walk the streets, you really get a sense of the hopelessness of the region. Substandard housing, poor educational facilities, a high illiteracy rate... these people are not intellectually equipped to believe anything other than the propaganda their leaders spew.

They truly hate us. I think they are jealous of our lifestyle, our affluence, our many advantages. They have a keen resentment of our arrogance, but, in spite of their frequent demonstrations of defiance and our own recent setbacks, I believe they still truly fear us.

Well, anyway. It'll be a cold day in hell the next time I set foot in the Middle Eastern part of Alabama again, particularly in Lee County. You can bet your sweet ass on that.

Sincerely,

Black Warrior (Tuscaloosa)

Bragging Rights

Hey Bob!

What the hell is going on? Last I heard, these bragging rights were supposed to be good for a whole year. But the Auburn fans where I work are strutting around like banty roosters, a full month too early. Last year they tried to claim a moral victory, and now they’re trying to deprive me of a full month of my constitutional bragging rights. I’ve had enough. I’m calling Morris Dees.

Sincerely,

Victimized (Cloverdale)

Now Here’s a Unique Problem…

Dear Bidgood Bob:

I hope you can help me out with this. I am an Alabama fan, and like all Alabama fans I like to spend a lot of my spare time counting my national championships. The problem is, every time I count them, I keep coming up with a different number, kind of like that creepy “count the bridges” thing out on the dirt part of Woodley Road. Should I try to get some help? My Auburn friends are sure getting sick of me.

Signed,

16 Rings (Wynlakes)

Tax Dollars Down the Drain

Proud sponsor of Crimson Tide Athletics.

Dear Bob, 

As an alumnus of the University I suppose it’s a good thing that ZeroMeth.com is a sponsor of Alabama Athletics. This is apparently a very good cause but it can’t possibly be cheap to  sponsor the “Zero Meth Instant Replay” on the Jumbotrons at Bryant-Denny.

My research indicates that “Zero Meth” is government-funded and in the interest of public health. I have to wonder, however, if this is effective use of taxpayer dollars.  Is the in-stadium campaign stopping a single meth addict from using? I mean, what sort of a meth addict are you if you are watching those ads from inside Bryant-Denny stadium? Wouldn't you have long since traded away your tickets for some meth?

Best regards,

Perplexed (McGehee Estates)

Cowbells and Irrelevance

Dear Bidgood Bob:

I have finally figured out why the SEC has never really tried to get Mississippi State fans to quit ringing cowbells at the games. I think it must be because nobody really cares.

Signed,

One Less Thing to Worry About (Vaughn Meadows)

Delivered by Mistake

To Mr. Cam Newton:

Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering Cam; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell’s heart I stab at thee; for hate’s sake, I spit my last breath at thee. I seek thy Heisman and thy Wheaties-box smile. And since neither can be mine, let me then be towed to pieces, grasping at thy elusive shoestring, thou damned Cam!

Sincerely,

Captain Ahab (The Waters)

More Fuel for the BCS Controversy

Dear Bidgood Bob:

Based on our stellar won-lost record over the past several years against competition at least as strong as that faced by Boise State, we hereby request that we be referred to henceforth as “BCS-Busters.”

Respectfully submitted,

The Prattville Lions

Comeuppance

Dear Bammer Bob!

You are just a Bammer through and through. I looked at your website, www.bidgoodbob.com, and I thought it was just a bunch of awful Bammer nonsense. It’s not near as funny as www.lunchinthegump.com. I am going to cancel my subscription to the Independent unless they drop your stupid Bammer column or get a good Auburn columnist to bring you down a peg.

Anonymous.